Husband and Father is Leaving Senior Family Position to Spend More Time at the Office

Keith Sturbender is leaving his job as caretaker of his family to spend more time as an accountant at a small local company.

“Mr. Sturbender has office situations that need his attention,” a co-worker said. “There are many important meetings that he could be attending, and bureaucratic office politics that would benefit from his pedantic point of view. He is putting the needs of the corporation and of his colleagues first.”

“My family has been very supportive of this change,” said Mr. Sturbender in a prepared statement. “If it weren’t for the love and strength that they have offered to me in this stressful time, I don’t think I could have found it in me to leave them behind.”

Mr. Sturbender started his tenure with his family two and a half years ago, when his wife gave birth to their first child. “My place,” he said at that time, “is at home with the children. They need a nurturing environment in which to grow and learn.” The family has since had twins; all three children are still in diapers.

In his prepared statement, Mr. Sturbender said, “I just can’t take it any more. The incessant need for attention and the godawful crying All the Damn Time. And the idiotic sing-alongs? Don’t get me started! I look forward to getting back to what I do best: sitting at my desk organizing calendar appointments and revising meeting minutes.”

“When Mr. Sturbender told us that he wanted to move on, we respected his decision. Family life isn’t for everyone, and the family understands how important his agenda meetings and internal Fiscal Statement memos are to him. Sometimes, you just have to understand life’s priorities and put the company first.”

The family is currently searching for a new husband for the position recently vacated, according the family’s divorce lawyer.

Holiday Shopping News

Consumer Behavior on Traditionally Biggest Holiday Shopping Weekend Mystifies Analysts

11/28/2012 6:45 am

According to a consumer survey* taken early this morning, zero people in the U.S. shopped in retail stores last Friday, making it the weakest Black Friday showing since hoop-and-stick games were the only toys being sold. Said one would-be shopper, "The mall? On Friday after Thanksgiving? Are you nuts? No, I'll just hang at home. I've got some stuff to do, anyway. Mail to go through, stuff like that."

There was an uptick on Saturday as 311,591,197 people drove to the drug store and bought deodorant, then bought shoes in a local sporting goods store. As one consumer put it, "My shoes were really beat up. The soles were flapping. I sounded like a cheap clown act walking down the hallway."

Sunday saw a rash of online purchasing, as 311,591,197 people bought a book through online retailer Amazon.com. "It was an eBook," said one respondent. "Some sci-fi thing. I dunno, looked interesting."

Cyber Monday also saw a surge of online activity as 311,591,197 people browsed shopping sites, although a total of zero (0) items were purchased. As one person put it, "I looked around on some sites, but didn't see anything interesting. Same old stuff, you know? Besides, I had work to do."

If this weekend is any indication of future holiday behavior, it could be a rough season for retailers, both online and brick-and-mortar. Meanwhile, retailers are expected to stock up in deodorant, shoes, and eBooks, in the hope that these recent consumer trends continue to provide a bright spot in these dark days.

Following is a graphical representation of the survey data. Note, in particular, the huge uptick in shoes because, according to the survey data, people who buy one shoe usually buy another shoe as well.

* Survey sample size of one, extrapolated to current population of United States.

Double Time, Part Deux

In my earlier post Double Time, I argued (I think persuasively) that CNN should consider me for the position of Anderson Cooper's inverse stunt double.

I have yet to hear from Mr. Cooper's people, so a friend of mine wrote an app (FaceFusion, for iOS) for the sole purpose of convincing them of the similarities and the possibilities. At least I think that's why he wrote the app. I can't imagine he'd have been motivated by anything so tawdry as profit or technological innovation.

Here are the some pictures to compare: Mr. Cooper (on the left), me (on the right), and an interesting and terribly disturbing blend of the two (in the middle).

I'll be waiting for their call. Operators are standing by.

Double Time

People have mentioned that I bear some resemblance to CNN's Anderson Cooper. I personally don't see it. Other than the fact that we both hang out in sport coats, live life on the edge, and are world-famous television personalities, I can't see the similarities. I had CNN send me a headshot of Mr. Cooper so that I could compare it to one that I had lying around (note: Mr. Cooper is on the left):


Besides the fact that he highlights his hair with gray to get that distinguished look I've been perfecting over the last several years (although he seems to have overdone it a bit), he clearly doesn't have the same intrepid reporter feel that I inherently exude. But he tries.

Nevertheless, it seemed worth pursuing the following possibility, since the public might see the pair of us differently:

I am hereby applying for the role of Anderson Cooper's Stunt Double. Celebrities have used stunt doubles ever since the demise of Isadora Duncan (which also resulted in a general trend away from long scarves and convertibles, whose popularity had previously run neck-and-neck). It is now quite common for famous people to use doubles for everything from movie stunts to charity appearances to tedious relationship conversations. The use of doubles has freed up these important people for more critical things in their lives, like sleeping in.

With Mr. Cooper's propensity to put himself in dangerous situations, from the protests of the Middle East to the stampeding cows of Wisconsin, it is clear that he would prefer not to give up the riskier side of his job. But he would surely like to be able to be in more places at one time, enabling him to be both in the newsroom and in the field. So I am applying to be his inverse stunt double. He can continue to do the stunt work required of his job, and I'll take on the awesome responsibility of all of the other stuff that he could do. Sitting in the newsroom, being interviewed for the Jon Stewart show, eating expensive meals at fancy restaurants: these are all of the things that he would surely like do more of, if only he wasn't so busy risking his life to report the news. With my help, he can do it all.

Why stop at Anderson Cooper 360, when he could have Anderson Cooper 720 instead? There's a revolution one could believe in.

I'm currently waiting to hear back from Mr. Cooper's people. This process would probably happen a lot faster if his people included an inverse stunt double to handle this kind of administrative detail for him. Meanwhile, I'm practicing the moves requisite for the position: smiling, shaking hands, eating expensive food, and adding more gray to my hair.

Happy 2009: Better Luck Next Year

As one year is ushered out to the firing squad and is pulled kicking and screaming into place, it is time to reflect on some of the momentous events around the world in 2008. It is said that those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it it it. It. Also, what better way to start the new year than by wallowing in times that are past and cannot now be changed? Finally, hindsight is usually more fun than foresight, depending of course on whose hind you're sighting.

While these ten items are not everything that happened this past year, as that full list would exceed the word limit for my blog post, they are surely the most important ones, or at least the ones that I could recall.

1. The Treaty of Westphalia completely disintegrated this year, leaving only the Duchy of Lichtenstein and the Kingdom of Iceland to hold the peace in all of Western Europe. But hold that peace they did, and through a common currency system (except for the British, who know better) and a shared cologne and antipathy for each other, the entire EU celebrated its first year of complete harmony this year, marred only by a slight war in Greece and a disagreement over the official language in Disneyland Paris. The world looks forward to another few centuries of European empire-building before everything crumbles apart and Africa falls into a bitter and constant squabble.
2. There was apparently an election in the U.S. this year, but it happened so quickly and quietly that nobody can recall the experience nor the outcome. It is of no matter; previous administrations have proven that it doesn't matter whom is elected, as the President has so little effect on America's effective domestic and international policies. It only matters that the country elects someone, to keep the ballot machines in working order.
3. Billy Keeble, the kid down the street with two left hands and a penchant for writing "fart" on his lawn with weed killer, won the Nobel Peace Prize this year for choosing not to beat up his sister when she stomped on his favorite Hot Wheel car (the gold one with the flames on the sides and the wide back tires). Way to go, Billy!
4. Wall Street crashed and the global financial system came to a halt, eliminating jobs, homes, and life savings world-wide. This gave all of us more opportunity to focus on the important things in life, like spending quality time with our families and wondering where our next meal was coming from.
5. The sun continued to rise in the east every single day this past year, confirming suspicions of many prominent scientists that its trajectory is not merely random. Work has begun on funding a project to find the track that the sun rides upon.
6. Orville Squenchgroot of Cablespleen, Missouri, discovered a new species of slug inhabiting the bog in his back yard. Environmentalists hailed the discovery as proof that eliminating species such as owls, eagles, and wolves may be okay after all, since there are just so darned many other ones around. And such cute ones, too: this new slug species, named "Ickus Slimatode", sports a tell-tale ring of warts just below what would be the neck if the blob had a head.
7. The U.S. produced more manure in 2008 than ever before, setting a new record for the Gross National Product.
8. On the technology front, 2008 saw the invention of not only the laser-based digital meat-cleaver, but also fast-healing sutures to deal with the ensuing carnage in home kitchens everywhere.
9. In March, Len Skrappentz, of Scranton, PA, discovered the solutions to both world peace and world hunger. Unfortunately, he misplaced his notes while searching his files for his taxes last year and has been unable to locate them since. He recalled that both solutions had something to do with eating more Cap'n Crunch, but the details continue to elude him.
10. Except for minor skirmishes in Auckland and southern North Dakota, the world enjoyed relative calm and peace throughout the year, and there is reason to hope that this happy coexistence between all peoples will continue unabated in the coming year. Anyone disagreeing with this will get the crap kicked out of them.

The year that's done,
Two Thousand Eight,
We must admit
Was really great.

The year to come,
Two Thousand Nine,
The experts feel
Will be quite fine.

Each year that ends
Reminds us all
That Winter, Summer,
Spring and Fall

Pass quicker always -
How time flies! -
Bringing us soon
To our own demise.

Happy new year!

Administration Unveils "Raw Deal"

President Unveils New "Raw Deal" Solution to Financial Crisis

In a surprising move, the American President today revealed that the global financial crisis is all part of his administration's overall plan for the economy.

"My fellow Americans," he said, speaking to a group of foreign journalists. "In the 1930's or maybe the 1800's, a former President established what he called the 'New Deal' to get this country out of a financial whatsit. But that deal's not so new anymore, seeing as how it's so old, so it was time we got our own plan going to fix things around here.

"My administration is implementating a totally different plan to fix the problem. The bankruptures and credit problems are just a part of my overall strategization. You can look forward to even more fixes in the coming weeks, such as a return to the Fool's Gold standard, and an economy based on chicken dumplings. Why, everbody loves dumplings!

"Our solution is new and fresh, so we're calling this here thing the 'Raw Deal.'"

The President declined to take questions, but he did pose for a photo op while shaking hands with a nearby shrub.

The President, caught posing for a quick caricature op

Lilttle Jokes: Bankrupture

The current financial crisis in the U.S. makes me wonder:

Is it default of banks? Or of de administration?

Should we let the banks fail all a-loan?

Is nothing certain but debt and taxes?

Have the banks proven that if you lien too much, you'll fall right over?

Little News Jokes

Listening to this week's podcast of Wait Wait ... Don't Tell Me! made me wonder about some of the news items discussed:

KFC Shoring Up Security for Secret Recipe
Does the company suspect fowl play?

Facebook for Spies
Same kind of site, but different kind of character assassination?

Lance Armstrong Coming Out of Retirement
Apparently, Lance intended to re-tire, not retire.

Big Harry Deal

You can't get funnier than the news.

According to CNN:
"Prince Harry is to be pulled out of Afghanistan immediately amid fears for his safety after news of his deployment was made public, the British Defense Ministry said Friday."

They were fine having the lad fighting in battle - boys will be boys and all that. But having people know he's there? Now that's just dangerous.

Maybe, giving the family's history, they're more afraid of the paparazzi than any gun-wielding enemies.

Bad News

I saw a great headline on CNN a couple of days ago:

Michael Vick arraigned on Federal Convection
Does this mean that he's going to cook for his crime? Or that they're just going to grill him about it?

A few minutes later, there was another good CNN headline:

Univ. of Wisconsin Resumes Classes when Suspicious Man Not Found
I had to wonder: Is this a daily occurrence there? Does the school have a comprehensive safety plan depending on all things that don't happen?

I can imagine other, similarly gripping news stories, like:

• Woman Eats Rest of Dinner when Rat Not Detected in Pasta Sauce
• New York City Returns to Work after Sewers Finish Not Exploding
• War Ends when Weapons of Mass Destruction Not Detected

Maybe the headline writers have just been watching too much What's News.

What's News?

News is such a downer, don't you think? There's all this horrible stuff going on all over the world, and the news media feels that it's their job to bring it all to us. The worse the news is, the better the story is for them.

Wouldn't it be nice to get a more balanced view of things, and occasionally hear about the events that aren't happening in the world, too?

I now present to you:

What's News?

Where No News ... is Good News