When I am King: Fit for a King

When I am King...

We will all be less active and more fit.

I’ve written elsewhere about plans to ensure better exercise and health. And these are important steps, no doubt, because “a fit kingdom is a kingdom that fits” (we’re currently trademarking that phrase).

But I’ve been thinking about it and I’ve come to a new realization that by doing less, we can actually do more. All this exercise, and working out, and sweating, and getting in shape, and trying to stay in shape… - where does it get us? We have no time for anything else in our busy lives, like watching more TV. And to make it worse, we have to work out harder and harder just to try to get the same kind of benefit that used to come from far less activity.

But by careful observation of inactive people, I realized that these slugs have found the answer. These people get very little exercise as a rule. When they finally do something physical, they get a great workout from very little activity. Just walking a hundred yards causes more sweat and heavy breathing than a high school dance.

Think about it: if you sit on the couch watching the tube all day every day, then just the act of getting up to make yourself a sandwich can be a great workout.

When I am King, we’ll all sit around and do nothing. And by so not doing, we’ll enjoy the benefits of exercise in quick workouts such as scratching our nose, or burping.

Sure, these minor workouts like getting up to go to the bathroom will hurt, but it doesn’t sound too bad if it only lasts for a matter of seconds. No more weights, no more cardio machines, no more spinning classes or pole dancing or whatever it is that you do to stay fit. Just sit down, relax, and let atrophy do the work for you. Six weeks of no movement at all, and you’ll be ready for some serious workouts just grabbing beer from the cooler.

And the best part is that putting on more weight will just increase the workout you get. so go ahead: eat that seventh donut! Have another milkshake! It’s all part of the plan.


Things I Believe

There is no such thing as “too much dessert.” Unless it’s made with rat poison or shards of glass.

There is also no such thing as “too much money.” Except when stuffing coins up your nose.


When I am King: Stimulust Package

When I am King...

I will lower the prices on important consumer products to boost spending, increase consumer confidence, and rake in the dough.

In the first, and perhaps most important, step toward my overall Stimulus Package plan, I have lowered the price on my book, enabling people who could not afford the treatise the chance to pick up this fabulous product at a fantastic, new, low-low price.

By reducing the price by one dollar, or 100 shiny copper pennies!, I have started a snowballing effect that will eventually fix the entire world economy. People that wanted the book previously but who had to save that money to eat or buy drugs will now be able to own the book, giving them both something to do with their time and something to burn when the winter freeze arrives. Meanwhile, the publisher will make money producing more of these books, so that they can pay their workers, who will probably go out and buy the book themselves, developing a rich cycle of buying, producing, more buying, more producing, and some skimming off the top. And finally, the huge royalties that are certain to roll in from this $6.95 book will enable the author to plan for future, deeply unspecified stimulus activities, plowing the massive profits into more beneficial and happy programs like this one.

Sure, some liken a stimulus package to putting a used bandaid over a gushing jugular wound. Others say that it is more like caulking a shattered foundation during an earthquake. But I think that the global economic crisis is easily solved, book by book.



It's been a while since my last blog entry. The truth is, I have been writing a lot, what with all of these books I'm working on. For example, there's my modern novel:
Too Polite to Rock
Then there's a self-help book:
Clean Panties, Clean Mind
And finally, a hard-boiled crime novel:
Sleep with the Chickens


When I am King: I Told You So

When I am King...

For any readers that find these articles funny or even absurd, I offer the following:

Way back in 2007, not long after I had first started my campaign for King, I posted the blog entry Fast Lane, on ideas for speeding up the tedious chores of our busy lives, like reading, smelling flowers, and dental hygiene. For example, I proposed food products with embedded bristles and strings to allow us to brush our teeth while we ate, instead of the old-fashioned and time-consuming process of eating and then having to clean our teeth afterward.

While I was traveling several months ago, I ran across the following machine in a men's room.

That's right - it's a chewable toothbrush, with food and bristles all wrapped up in one tasty package.
Some readers think these posts are all a big joke. But I consider them more prophecy, or perhaps just a big TODO list for when the throne is finally mine.