Political Cartoon

I was overjoyed to see Anthony's Weiner back in the news; I've missed that little guy.

It's obvious that sending around revealing pictures of yourself is the best way to achieve political fame. Given my own aspirations toward political office, I figured it was high time I took action.

Here's me. Ready for office.

Sunday Comics: The Buck Stops Here

Seemed like an appropriate sentiment for the season. That is, the political season. And hunting season.

When I am King: Fightin' Words

When I am King...

Candidates will just fight it out.

Presidential debates are an odd and obsolete phenomenon of our culture. Theoretically, we expect candidates to get up on stage and battle each other with their wits, knowledge, and ability to post a zinger, so that we can decide who has a better plan, and who would make a better leader, and who has a nicer suit.

But in reality, it’s just cheap voyeurism. The two remaining undecided voters in the country may want to tune in to see if they learn something new, but if they haven’t made up their mind by now, what are the chances that a debate is really going to help sort it out for them? That’s like drinking a second case of beer just to see if it also makes you throw up.

No, the real reason we do this is to see a fight. This is a culture that thrives on watching damage. We are a people that puts ourselves and our loved ones in danger by slowing down in the fast lane just to get a better glimpse of a bloody accident on the other side of the highway. We watch car races just to see the carnage (I honestly can’t imagine any other reason to watch people drive in circles for hours and hours). We watch daytime talk shows just to see if the jilted lover’s going to throw a chair at her brother-husband. We have an entire professional class whose job it is to fight for us in the courtroom while we sit on the sidelines and watch them duke it out with the other side’s highly-paid pinch-hitter.

Our culture was founded on fighting. In the beginning, Eve made Adam eat more fiber, bringing down the wrath of God upon them (Fight! Fight! Fight!) and causing the Original Argument which must have lasted through their entire, bickering marriage. Countries were formed by wars, kingdoms by murder, and governments by the side with the scariest army.

But we’ve evolved since those early days; now we have television and the internet that allows us to simply watch fights instead of having to participate in them. We’ve matured from a childish society that fights into a refined society that watches fights. Because, when it comes down to it, fighting is tiring, messy, and painful; it turns out to be much more enjoyable to watch others pound each other stupid while we have more beer and popcorn.

In political debates (a subject which I’m struggling to get back to, having gotten all excited about the topic of fighting), we each have the person we’re rooting for, and we want to see them slug it out and come out on top. We watch the debate through squinting eyes, afraid for the moments when the other person lands choice blows, and then diving onto the news sites before, during, and after to see whether we won the fight.

But this is all so indirect - why have the candidates dress up in suits and use words, prepared statements, and reams of facts and what we really want is blood on the mat?

When I am King, debates will be determined the way politics was intended; with fists, knees, and underhanded tactics. Let’s see some action, some pain, and some physical glory. Sure, winning such a contest has nothing to do with whether the champion would be a good leader for our nation. But since when have politicians ever been qualified for that role?

Besides, when I am King, they won’t be vying for the top spot, as that position will be taken. By me. So bring on the fisticuffs. I’ll sell beer and popcorn.

When I am King: Founding Fathers

When I am King...

I’ll be a less grumpy ruler.

I spent last week in Washington, D.C., taking a look at how the U.S. government is run. Or how it crawls, as it were. And how it all began.

For one thing, the founding fathers were grumpy.

It’s tough to know the true faces of our fathers. At least, it’s tough if you’re talking about our founding fathers, who passed away some 200 years ago. But we can learn a bit about them through their legacy and through the images they left behind. In particular, we can look at the paintings, sculptures, and monuments that were, er, erected

in their honor.

When I saw the first painting of one of these great men, I thought it was that the model was just having a bad day.



Or maybe that the painter was feeling ornery.



But the more paintings I saw, the more grumpy old men I discovered.

Then I looked at the sculptures. Now, you could say that marble or bronze is a hard medium, producing hard looks. But this guy would beg to differ:



You could also say that the sculptor had a bad day



or that the model got tired of posing



But after all of this art and all of these different men, I’ve come up with a different, more reasonable theory: the founders of democracy were just plain grumpy.

I can’t say I blame them. Look at it from their point of view. They put up with the tyranny of a remote and somewhat insane king for a long time. Then they finally got up the nerve to fight a doomed war with no army, no central government, and not even a decent pair of boots. They manage to defeat the other side only to then suffer years of bureaucratic hell debating what kind of government to form. They manage to do this in just eight years (compare that to anything accomplished in any two terms of presidency since that time), establishing a democracy that survives to this day. It took the French years and more than a few severed heads to get this far, after which they chucked it all away and begged for an emperor to take over.

After all of that work, they then started the real hell and torture of their lives, learning that democracy is just a fancy Greek word for “everybody gets a chance to whine”.

By the time they sat down to pose for the artist, they simply had no joy left.

I believe that another, more probable, reason for their demeanor was that they were simply constipated. Perhaps the diet in those days just didn’t offer the variety of fiber-rich foods that we see today on our way to the donuts. This theory is borne out by the linguistic fact that constipation comes from the words Constitution (the governing articles these men created) and pater (father). So constipation is literally the state of being a founding father.

When I am King, I’ll have all of my portraits done before my term begins. Oh, and I’ll also manage to enjoy my rule. This won’t be no stinking democracy where I have to actually listen to the people and compromise. Plus, I’ll eat more fiber.

When I am King: Affairs of State

When I am King...

Escort services will be provided for all.

I was horrified, like everyone else, at the Weiner Affair of the past week. That is, I was horrified by the public reaction of shock and surprise. His actions seemed perfectly normal to me. Especially for a, er, member of Congress.

Taking the picture of his anatomy: odd. Tweeting the picture: stupid. Screwing around (or trying to do so) after being married for such a short time: sad.

But the act of looking around while being married seems like the act of a sane person; he’s just scouting out the territory ahead.

Think about the process of getting a job. It’s always easier to find a job when you already have one. You are negotiating from a position of strength, without the feeling of desperation that occupies your mind if you really need the job offer. Quitting first and then hoping you land something is simply not the best way to go about it. Much better to look around while you don’t need to and to find the best opportunity, and make a reasoned decision about whether it’s worth leaving your current job for the new one that’s being offered.

(Of course, this last bit always breaks down, because that new job always looks better than the one you’re currently for the simple fact that it’s new. New beats old, always. Until you get there and realize that it’s not new at all; it’s just different. But at least the change in cafeteria food adds variety.)

Regardless, this is a proven technique for finding the next job - why shouldn’t it apply to relationships as well? It’s the same principle at work - people are more attractive when they’re in a relationship than when they are not. Someone that’s in a relationship has the proof point to offer that someone felt that they were good enough to hang out with. It may not be a very high bar, but it’s at least a sanity check that you’re not completely incapable of getting a date. And you’re probably not a serial killer, unless you’re just biding your time or are also a procrastinator.

Beyond this initial check, there’s just the confidence that being in a relationship brings. It’s like the job negotiation; you have a fallback position, so you aren’t depending on this new opportunity to pan out. This more relaxed approach to negotiation helps in closing the deal. Without it, your desperation will seep from every pore and you won’t have a chance.

In fact, this is such a proven technique in life that Weiner may have had this as his strategy the entire time. Maybe he was having a hard time meeting women, so he got married to make the whole thing easier. So it wasn’t a colossal screwup or a temporary infidelity; it was all part of the plan. The only mistake was that he got caught, somehow not realizing that tweets can become part of the public conversation (see my earlier comment on “stupid”).

What’s unfortunate here, besides the fact that this person was elected as a trusted representative of anyone’s interests but his own, is that a proven technique for effective negotiation can have an impact far beyond the current deal on the table. If your boss hears that you’re interviewing, you may not have a job to return to. Or in the case of Mr. Weiner, you may soon be hearing from your to-be-ex-wife’s lawyer. Clearly, we need a solution to address the underlying social issue.

When I am King there will be services available to help. For example, if you are unemployed you can hire a temporary employer prior to interviewing. It may not be a real job (since you’ll be paying them instead of getting paid by them), but it will force you to get suited up every day to get in the mindset. More importantly, the service will lend that air of credibility in the interview that arriving in your bathrobe and slippers fails to do.

You will also be able to hire someone to pretend to be in a relationship with you. Escort services exist today that can fulfill a similar role, but these pretend relationships are typically shorter and more physical than the service being proposed. Our services, which will consist of supplying cute couples pictures, answering the shared phone, and providing alibis, can last for as long as you need them. Depending on your capabilities, or on how low you set the bar, you may only need a weekend. But if your standards are higher, or if you have just embarrassed yourself in front of the entire country, you may need the service forever.

Electile Dysfunction

In honor of, or despite, election day here in the US:

It's no coincidence that Halloween is so close to election day. They're almost the same:

• Both are about the candy-dates
• Both cause complete strangers to knock on your door and ask you for things
• Both feature creepy monsters
  
• Everyone's glad when they're over

On the whole, I find Halloween much easier to take. At least we only have to live with the mistakes of that night for the next day, until our digestion recovers. But election results are with us for years.

Public Option Options

America has been in a tizzy for the past few months over the health care debate. And who can blame us? How dare the government try to figure out how to put together a system less screwed up than the one we already have.

At the heart of the debate is the “public option.” Since this is the piece that is the most controversial, it seems worth discussing some public option options. This idea stems from a comment by Luke Burbank (I believe) on the show Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me, when he proposed the “Public Enemy Option”, where the band Public Enemy would make health care decisions. This is a great idea, but in the spirit of the public option, it seemed like we needed even more public options. How about:

Public options
Wall Street traders would create a hedge system of stock options on the health of each patient. Like everything good in this country, we can break it down to its capitalist essence and let the market decide whether the patient should have access to care. If traders are bullish on the patient, then chances are good that the patient could make an appointment. If the market is down on the patient, then put prices would soar and the patient, like the call options, would expire worthless.
At the very least, this system allows the family of the patient to come out alright in the end; either Pop would be treated and live or the money the family invested in puts would really pay out. It’s win-win.

Public indecency option
Conservative proponents are in favor of barring people from healthcare for anything that might be construed as lewd or disgusting. This includes any procedure that relates to sexual activity, plus anything that requires the patient to undress. For example, hangnails would be covered, but tummyaches would not.

Pubic option
This plan was an earlier, more narrow form of the previous one.

John Q Public option
Under this plan, anyone considered “average” would qualify. Applicants would be required to take a test and barely pass to qualify.
We all want the average American to have access to healthcare, but not those above or below average.
Above-average people probably have access anyway, or they can make the money they need to pay for it, or they have family money or loans they can draw on. And if not, maybe a little sickness is just what they need to pull them down a peg and make them more like the rest of us.
Meanwhile, below-average people shouldn’t have access because, well, why start improving their lot now? This is what being below-average is all about; suffering a little more than everyone else. If we start changing that fundamental right and characteristic, what else do these people have?

Heath care option
This plans has been tossed about by the environmentalists, but honestly: why even bother? Can’t the grasslands care for themselves?

Final Election Jokes

I wonder:

Does the presidential race include the poll vault event?

When votes are cast, are they on party lines?

Is an online survey scam a phishing poll?

More Little Election Jokes

You can't have an election without jokes. I mean, besides the candidates. Here are a few, to go along with the other election humor here and over here:

I wonder:

Does the Electoral College have frat parties?

Does a political party serve booze?

Do older candidates have electile dysfunction?

If there's an earthquake during voting, does the winner have a landslide victory?

Do you 'cast' a vote because you're trying to mend something that's broken?

Why do candidates always run for office? Can't they drive?

Halloweelection

What are those scary creatures coming
Knocking at my door?
Will they ask for tricks or treats,
Or will they want some more?

Will they talk of "Yes on 9!"
And speak of Measure 8?
Or will, instead, they tell me of
Their favorite candidate?

Halloween can always be a
Scary time of year.
But coupled with election time
I live in mortal fear.

Afraid to answer doors as well as
Rings upon the phone.
Afraid of people waving signs
Who won't leave me alone.

Afraid of watching TV's endless
Clips of peoples' speeches.
Afraid of watching candidates who
Act like smiling leeches.

This year when kids yell "Trick or Treat!"
At every residence
They'll take some candy, then debate
The choice of presidents.

Little Election Jokes

Q: What do you call a talk by a pro-logging candidate?
A: A stump speech

Q: What kind of talk does a confused candidate give?
A: A stumped speech

Q: When did the candidate decide to run for office?
A: When he was being chased

Q: Why was the bag of dried fruit so loud?
A: Because the candydates would never shut up

Q: Why did the candidate stand for reelection?
A: Hemorrhoids

Politicks me off

I'm not a political person, but I have to admit that the election season this year really has me going. In fact, I'd like to get involved in the process this year and do what I can to help the candidates market themselves to the public.

But frankly, everyone is tired of being bombarded with all of these "issues," "Town Hall meetings," and "debates." I think that what our society needs instead is more catchy slogans.

Here is some sample material that I'm trying to push. I haven't yet gotten a return call from the party headquarters, but it's probably just because they're busy right now. I expect to hear from them very soon.

In the spirit of fairness, I'm only taking on one party at a time. In fact, I'll limit it to one person at a time, just to make sure I get it right.

"Sarah Palin: Showing America that you no longer have to be a man to be incompetent in the White House."

"McCain and unAble, '08"

"Sarah for VP: The successes of the last 8 years will Palin comparison"

Administration Unveils "Raw Deal"

President Unveils New "Raw Deal" Solution to Financial Crisis

In a surprising move, the American President today revealed that the global financial crisis is all part of his administration's overall plan for the economy.

"My fellow Americans," he said, speaking to a group of foreign journalists. "In the 1930's or maybe the 1800's, a former President established what he called the 'New Deal' to get this country out of a financial whatsit. But that deal's not so new anymore, seeing as how it's so old, so it was time we got our own plan going to fix things around here.

"My administration is implementating a totally different plan to fix the problem. The bankruptures and credit problems are just a part of my overall strategization. You can look forward to even more fixes in the coming weeks, such as a return to the Fool's Gold standard, and an economy based on chicken dumplings. Why, everbody loves dumplings!

"Our solution is new and fresh, so we're calling this here thing the 'Raw Deal.'"

The President declined to take questions, but he did pose for a photo op while shaking hands with a nearby shrub.

The President, caught posing for a quick caricature op

Little Joke for Tuesday

Both presidential candidates portray themselves as men of "change." After months of hearing this, I finally get what they mean. It refers to the spare change we'll have left in our bank accounts by the time they get elected.

Politicalamity

I listen to the "Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!" podcast on a weekly basis at the gym. It's not only funny: it's self-defense against the bad 90's pop blaring out of the overhead speakers. And it's my main source of important news.

At the end of each show, the panel is asked to come up with suggestions for what might happen in some relevant current affairs topic. This week's topic was, "What's the next big news bombshell to be dropped about either Vice-Presidential candidate."

I haven't yet been asked to be on the show, no matter how often I check email looking for their request, so I didn't have the chance to answer in person. But here's how I wanted to answer from my perch atop the elliptical running machine:

Sarah Palin will be joined next week by John McCain's selections for his Cabinet: boys and girls from a local preschool. This stunning move will serve several purposes and further the chances of a winning Republican ticket:

• They'll appeal to the common man because, heck, we were all kids once. And they're so darned cute! Why not give them a chance?
• The children will distract attention from the subject of Palin's experience. (You could say that the cabinet's experience will pale in experience to hers.)
• They will bring the average age of the administration down to reasonable number.
• With several infants in the group, this Cabinet will bring a real sense of 'Change' to the ticket.
  

Conventional Wisdom

With the onslaught of political conventions in the U.S. lately, it seemed like a good time for a poem:



While they had peoples' focus
And cameras' attention
Both parties made choices
By vote and convention.

The followers all
Were geared up for the fight;
The potential for change
Is the power of 'might.'

The speeches were long
And went into the night
Boring the crowds
From the left to the right.

And then it was done
For the file and rank.
The leaders hit the road
To walk the party plank.

They trail is tiring
and causes much strain.
That's why politics
Is called a cam-pain.

George's Summer Vacation Plans

I tried my hand at screenwriting recently, for an episode of a friend's animated series on YouTube. Check out the results in below, where George discusses his summer vacation plans.

The George Show

A friend has started a new animated show, called The George Show:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OxeSyPZJA3k

This episode is all his, although I assisted a bit in ideas for editing the initial content. A future episode of the series may have a script by yours truly.

"PUT ... the HAMMER ... DOWN"

In a nearly-bloodless coup, Rep. Nancy Pelosi today wrested control of the House of Representatives, resorting to violence with a blunt instrument in the process:



After the tumult, Pelosi was quoted as saying "Speaker, Hell! I'm a Hitter!"

Rumor has it that she's headed for the Senate next, and from there to the Whack-A-Mole game in the White House play room.