When I am King: Affair Trade Blends

When I am King...

Coffee blends will be more personal.

I was in Peet’s Coffee last week and overheard the guy at the counter pitching a recent release of their Anniversary Blend.

At first, this seemed like a dumb idea: why name a coffee after a relationship milestone? To me, an anniversary is something that comes every single year and still I forget it. You might as well call it, “Here again. Already. Did you buy her anything?”

I was also wondering, what association do the beans have with an anniversary? Is the coffee bitter and old? Or full of promise and hope, which runs out very soon?

Then I realized that an Anniversary Blend could be the beginning of a great suite of Relationship Blends.

When I am King, we will have more coffee blends for couples, such as:
  • First Kiss: Usually brewed incorrectly. You will always remember this one, more from embarrassment than anything else.
  • Dating Around: With every kind of bean, some of which might carry diseases.
  • One Night Stand: Tastes best at night after a few drinks. Not very nice the following day when you've sobered up.
  • Crazy Ex-Girlfriend: Ground fine, like your patience.
  • French Pressed: Like that relationship from your travels abroad: great while it happened, but then it was gone and all you had left were bitter, unpalatable detritus in the bottom of your cup.
  • Pregnancy: This super-sized bag is quite heavy, lasts for several months, and is a complete hassle to carry around during the course of the binding contract. But it feels great when you’re done with it.
  • Labor: For women only. Hurst like hell.
  • Children: This blend is very expensive at first, but much more expensive over the course of your ~20 year contract. It’s an acquired taste, with many disappointing overtones.
  • Slept with your Best Friend (also known as Grounds for Divorce)

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