I don't make it a habit to give relationship advice. I'm happy to leave that sort of drivel in the more than capable hands of the less than readable pop magazines. But yesterday I had some thoughts on gauging the quality of your love life that I thought I would share with you. Relationship problems can be subtle, so I hope these tips will help.

Reasons to suspect that your relationship is in trouble:

11) After years of complete disinterest, your partner is learning how to cook.

10) When you get home from work, you find that your bed is nicely made up for you. On the couch.

9) Your children have been sent to their grandparents' house, along with all of their clothes, furniture, and pets.

8) Friends tell you that letters sent to you at your house have been returned to them, "no such person at this address."

7) The family pictures in the house have all been altered. There is now just an empty white space where you used to be, with the word "Satan" written there.

6) Notes to you in the bathroom mirror that she wrote in lipstick are actually written in blood.

5) All of your worldly possessions are waiting for you when you get home from work, in a pile on the sidewalk. On fire.

4) There's a note from your partner taped to where the fridge used to be, next to where there used to be an oven, in what used to be the kitchen, in a house that used to have stuff in it.

3) Your partner brings home an exorcist, who throws holy water on you and starts chanting.

2) You find a box of rat poison between the chili powder and the oregano in the spice cupboard.

1) There's a fresh 6 foot deep hole in your back yard exactly your size.

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