When I am King: Resolution Solution

When I am King...

I resolve to end New Years resolutions.

Every year, we're supposed to make resolutions for New Years. Things we want to accomplish. Personal Goals. New healthy habits. Things to strive for.


You know what resolutions are? They're a setup for defeat.

If you bother to make any resolution at all, you try for something lofty; you set some goals that sound nice:

  • “I'm going to go to the gym 5 days a week”
  • "I'm going to lose 50 pounds”
  • “I'm going to get up out of this gutter and take a shower before I take another drink”

Of course, the result is that you fail to achieve the goals. Why change things now? You've lived this long, why put yourself out on the whim of the calendar turning over to the new year?

So another resolution dies an early and hushed-up death. The year crawls by and another New Years comes up and you make another attempt:

  • “I'm going to hit the gym 4 days a week”
  • “I'm going to lose 49 pounds”
  • “I'm going to get up out of this gutter and take a shower while I have this drink”

On it goes, year in and year out: we set goals, we blow them, we feel awful about ourselves.

Why do we need this stress? What's the point in creating a game that we're bound to lose?

My administration will impose something new and exciting called:


With this new twist on the old tradition, people will look back on the previous year, pick something they are proud of, or just something that happened to them, and set a goal that they will have achieved already:

  • “I will have avoided setting one foot in the gym all year.”
  • “I will have gained 50 pounds”
  • “I will have gotten so drunk that I fell down asleep in a gutter”

No longer will we fail to attain goals; we will succeed every single year, by definition.

Why be Future Failures? Let us be Past Achievers instead.

Presolution: the Resolution Solution.

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