Sunday Comics: The Buck Stops Here

Seemed like an appropriate sentiment for the season. That is, the political season. And hunting season.

Things I Believe: Thoughts for Friday

Better late than never, said the late man's happy widow.


Another day, another dollar. I really need a raise.


Actions speak louder than words, especially words in sign language.


Do not curse the darkness. Light a candle and curse the hot wax.

When I am King: Fightin' Words

When I am King...

Candidates will just fight it out.

Presidential debates are an odd and obsolete phenomenon of our culture. Theoretically, we expect candidates to get up on stage and battle each other with their wits, knowledge, and ability to post a zinger, so that we can decide who has a better plan, and who would make a better leader, and who has a nicer suit.

But in reality, it’s just cheap voyeurism. The two remaining undecided voters in the country may want to tune in to see if they learn something new, but if they haven’t made up their mind by now, what are the chances that a debate is really going to help sort it out for them? That’s like drinking a second case of beer just to see if it also makes you throw up.

No, the real reason we do this is to see a fight. This is a culture that thrives on watching damage. We are a people that puts ourselves and our loved ones in danger by slowing down in the fast lane just to get a better glimpse of a bloody accident on the other side of the highway. We watch car races just to see the carnage (I honestly can’t imagine any other reason to watch people drive in circles for hours and hours). We watch daytime talk shows just to see if the jilted lover’s going to throw a chair at her brother-husband. We have an entire professional class whose job it is to fight for us in the courtroom while we sit on the sidelines and watch them duke it out with the other side’s highly-paid pinch-hitter.

Our culture was founded on fighting. In the beginning, Eve made Adam eat more fiber, bringing down the wrath of God upon them (Fight! Fight! Fight!) and causing the Original Argument which must have lasted through their entire, bickering marriage. Countries were formed by wars, kingdoms by murder, and governments by the side with the scariest army.

But we’ve evolved since those early days; now we have television and the internet that allows us to simply watch fights instead of having to participate in them. We’ve matured from a childish society that fights into a refined society that watches fights. Because, when it comes down to it, fighting is tiring, messy, and painful; it turns out to be much more enjoyable to watch others pound each other stupid while we have more beer and popcorn.

In political debates (a subject which I’m struggling to get back to, having gotten all excited about the topic of fighting), we each have the person we’re rooting for, and we want to see them slug it out and come out on top. We watch the debate through squinting eyes, afraid for the moments when the other person lands choice blows, and then diving onto the news sites before, during, and after to see whether we won the fight.

But this is all so indirect - why have the candidates dress up in suits and use words, prepared statements, and reams of facts and what we really want is blood on the mat?

When I am King, debates will be determined the way politics was intended; with fists, knees, and underhanded tactics. Let’s see some action, some pain, and some physical glory. Sure, winning such a contest has nothing to do with whether the champion would be a good leader for our nation. But since when have politicians ever been qualified for that role?

Besides, when I am King, they won’t be vying for the top spot, as that position will be taken. By me. So bring on the fisticuffs. I’ll sell beer and popcorn.

Things I Believe: Thoughts for Friday

Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. That water's still useful.

Faint heart never won fair lady. Money did.

First impressions are the most lasting, especially if you leave a really big dent.

Fish and guests smell after three days. So cook your guests soon.

Ode to Beer

I suppose last week's video poem didn't quite get all the rhyming out of my system. Maybe it just made things worse.

Here's a little ditty about drinking. I like the rhyme scheme from Poe's The Raven, I thought I'd see how well it worked when applied to the subject of beer.

“I seem to have misplaced my beer

It isn’t there, it isn’t here.

It isn’t anywhere, I fear,

I think I’ll get one more.

Now my new beer’s missing too,

Even though it was brand new,

But I know just what I should do;

There’s more in by the door.

My next beer disappeared just now.

It escaped, I know not how.

It must have walked away somehow,

I’ll refill, as before.

Then I lost, not two, or three,

But four beers when I went to pee,

I wish they would come back to me,

But meanwhile I’ll go pour.

Then I lost another five,

These beers are seemingly alive,

They leave before they quite arrive,

Making me beer poor.

I went again to pour a drink,

From the keg next to the sink,

But now it’s empty too, I think,

Which really makes me sore.

I see my empty glasses there,

Not full of beer, but full of air,

Piled underneath my chair,

Standing on the floor.

I don’t know where the liquid went,

But it’s all gone, in any event,

The winter of my beer discontent,

I’ll have one, nevermore.

It puts me in a nasty funk,

For I was hoping to get drunk,”

And then he fell down with a thunk,

And so began to snore.

Twitter Grammar: Who Cares?

Here's a screenshot from my Twitter homepage this morning. Maybe the writers at Twitter should read that tweet. Or maybe they purposely sacrifice grammar for character count. What's an 'm' between friends?

The Facebook Effect

Here's a poem to celebrate that moment in time when your mental image of someone from thirty years ago meets an online image of them now.

I call it the FaceBook Effect, the turning point when you click on a name in a Facebook "Friend" request, remembering them quite clearly in the mothball crates of your fossilized memory, and then encountering the reality of them now. And then realizing that they're doing the same with you.

Or for the video impaired:

The Facebook Effect

I knew a girl in high school,

Beautiful, beyond my reach.

And when she was in class with me,

My mind you could not teach.

I stared at her, until she looked,

And then I glanced away,

For I was so embarrassed that

My gaze just could not stay.

We went through school for four long years,

Together, yet apart.

I never got the nerve to tell her

What was in my heart.

I never spoke of love, or lust,

Even even of a crush.

I only had to think of her,

And then I’d start to blush.

So I just kept it to myself,

And let her go her way,

Thinking that perhaps we’d meet

Some far and distant day.

And then I’d tell her what I thought,

And hope she felt the same,

Or just be happy if she could

Remember my first name.

I’d tell her that I waited for her

Lo, these many years,

How fate had brought her back to me...

And then I’d dry her tears.

She would, of course, remember me,

And say she’d felt as much,

And then we’d stop our talking and

Our lips would gently touch.

And so I was amazed to see,

Within my FaceBook site,

A Friend request from this old flame,

Just the other night.

I paused a moment, wondering,

If it was really her,

Or maybe she just shared the name,

Coincidentally conferred.

And so I clicked upon her name,

Which took me to her wall,

So that I could see her pics

And from them make a call.

She lived these years, lingering,

Upon my mind, inert,

Pretty, fresh, and full of life,

And terminally pert.

And then I saw the photos which

Were taken of her since.

This was the very person,

Though the pictures made me wince.

Where I recalled some dimples,

And a quiet, pretty smile,

I now saw teeth that had been stained,

By tobacco, wine, and bile.

And in my mental image,

I could still recall her grin,

But in the photos on the page,

I saw an extra chin.

(Or two). In fact, the only feature that

Reminded me of her,

Were the sparkling eyes, which now peeked

Out from eyebrow fur.

The wrinkles were to be expected

(All of us have those),

But the lesions, sores, and pustules

Covered her from head to toes.

At least she still had lots of hair

(I’d loved her golden tresses),

But most of it sprang from her nose

And hung down to her dresses.

Yes, this was the same old girl,

The one from my old dreams,

But time had had his way with her,

Instead of me, it seems.

And so I went back to my page,

And made my Friend election;

I pulled the menu down and clicked

“Not Now” for my selection.

When I am King: The Rating Game

When I am King...

Movie ratings will be clearer.




Warning: This blog has been rated by the Malicious Blogger Association of America (MBAA):









I've always found movie ratings so helpful. They take two hours of complex content and boil it down into a single letter that tells me exactly how appropriate it is for my children. Were the rating any more involved, or any closer linked to the actual material in the movie, then I would have to read and think about it to decide what to do. But the fact that it's such a simplistic measure of the maturity level needed to enjoy the film means that I can quickly ignore it.

Rating are not about providing real information. They're about making us feel just slightly guiltier about things we're going to do anyway.

I was particularly pleased with the rating of The King's Speech, which I saw when it came out in 2010. It was a serious film, well executed, that provided that perfect mix of drama, history, education, and entertainment. It was a film that I enjoyed for myself, and enjoyed taking the kids to as a cultural and historical lesson. Or at least I would have, except that the film was rated R.

I had to watch the film again to determine why it got this adult rating, checking the several obvious categories:

• Nudity: This was Englad in the early 20th century. All of the characters were at least 5 layers of clothing away from naked.
• Violence: True, the climactic speech was on the eve of a horrific war. But they only showed the speech itself, not the fighting. No blood, no shooting, no punches. Not even a hearty backslap.
• Swearing: Oooooh, that's right. He drops the F-bomb a handful of times.

So it turns out that I'm advised to not take my kids to this excellent movie because they might hear a bad word. My kids hear worse language in my house when I stub my toe; what possible reason would I have for sheltering them from it in the movie theater? More significantly, how can the rating agency possibly put that kind of language on the same footing as, say, the gruesome death scenes or graphic sex acts in other R films?

When I am King, ratings will be more meaningful. Instead of obscure references like "inappropriate language" and "adult situations", the ratings will have concrete information about why the film got this rating, to help the responsible parent make the right decision. Or at least to make the wrong decision for the right reasons.

Here are some example ratings for existing films:


Space Buddies: A film that I was subjected to because of my youngest kid's abject love for anything related to dogs:

Star Trek: The Motion Picture: This film was pretty darn exciting when it came out, because it was the first Star Trek thing to come out since the original "5 year mission" was killed in its third season. But it only got a G rating, which is pretty a-typical for action movies. In hindsight, a better rating description would give some helpful information to the unwary moviegoer:

I enjoyed watching Airplane! with the kids last year. The hairstyles are totally dated, but the comedy still works. But some parents might want to know why Parental Guidance is avised:

The Hunger Games is an interesting series of books, now movies, delving into the loving and under-served genre of child genocide. Here is a more helpful rating:

We watched The Blues Brothers again recently, and were curious about the rating. Blues songs can be racy, but not quite enough to get an R rating, or so we thought. Maybe a more descriptive rating would have helped:

And finally, here's a more accurate rating for The King's Speech:

Maybe when I am King, I'll even make a speech about it. And I'll throw in a few bad words, just to get a juicy rating.

Things I Believe: Thoughts for Friday

History repeats itself itself.

Ignorance is Bliss. Complete stupidity is Bliss's sister, Irene.
They're both very nice and have lovely hair.

Marriages are made in heaven.
Divorces are down the hall to the left, then take the elevator all the way down.

No man can serve two masters.
Serve one of them for dinner tonight, and leave the other in the fridge until supper tomorrow.

If Girlfriends Were Like Phone Companies

Going out with Jenny has been fine, but you really need to move on. You thought you were compatible during that early, blissful phase of the relationship when you passed out drunk on her floor every night, but since sobering up you realized that she's, well, dull. And mean. And dating at least five other guys that you know about.

So it's finally time to call her and end it.

them: [Ring... ring … ring … Click!]
Hello.

you: Hi, Jenny, it’s me. I -

them: I apologize for the delay. A representative will be here momentarily to assist you. In the meantime, I will hum for you.

you: … Um, Jenny?

them: [Hum, hum, hummmmm...]
Hello, and thank you for calling Jenny today!

you: Hi, can you tell Jenny I want to break up -

them: Por españoles, por favor presione el número dos

you: Uh...

them: For assistance in English, please press or say “one”

you: one?

them: Are you calling to ask about Jenny’s shoe size?

you: nooooo...

them: Okay. What can I help you with today? Say a phrase, such as “Is Jenny free for a date this Friday?” or “What is Jenny’s favorite restaurant?”

you: I want to break up with Jenny

them: What was that? Did you say “Jenny’s Spring Break photos?”

you: NO

them: Let’s try that again. Try a phrase such as, “Send Jenny a dozen roses” or “Apologize for not noticing Jenny’s new hair style”

you: BREAK. UP.

them: Sorry, I’m still not getting it. Try spelling it out on the keypad. For example, the letter A is entered by hitting the 2 key, followed by the 1 key. The letter B is entered by hitting the 2 key twice. The letter Q is entered by hitting 7, then 4, then 9 three times in a row. Try it now.

you: [pause], 2 [pause] 2. [Spend several minutes entering the rest of the numbers for ‘break up’]

them: Did you enter the word "bickerbot"?

you: NO

them: It's still not making sense to me. Are you using a rotary dial? If yes, say or spin the dial from “one” now.

you: No

them: great. Now, what did you call about today?

You AARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!

them: I’m not sure I understood that. Was that “Argyle sweater size”?

you: no

them: I'll get a customer service representative for you. One moment please...
[more humming ... Click!]
Hello kind sir, my name is ‘Gary’ and I have the honor of being your most excellent customer service representative today. How are you feeling this fine evening, sir?

you: um, fine

them: That is wonderful to hear, sir. And what may I help you with this evening?

you: I want to break up with Jenny.

them: Excellent. I will try my best to help you with that request. Please hold for a moment while I bring up your account information.

them: [more humming...]
Here it is sir. I see that you have been going out with Jenny for just over 3 years

you: I guess so

them: And now you wish to end the relationship, is that right sir?

you: Yes

them: Ah, that’s too bad sir. May I ask what the reason is?

you: Um, it’s just not working out?

them: I’m sorry to hear that sir. I will put “customer's inadequacy” in the form.

you: what?

them: are you certain that we cannot convince you otherwise?

you: no, I just want to end it.

them: I see sir. But first let me tell you about some specials that might help you change your mind.

you: I -

them: First, we have a two-for-one special this month only. It appears that Jenny’s roommate Barbara is also available, and you may date her at no extra cost for the first six months.

you: No, I -

them: Also, I see you are a customer who has been in good standing with Jenny for a long time. We have a ClientCare(TM) program available especially for you. In this program, you will accumulate Reward Points toward future transgressions, or you can spend them at birthdays, Valentines day, or other holidays during which you would normally spend too much money keeping Jenny happy. No longer, sir - just log on and spend some of your accumulated Reward Points to keep the relationship in good standing.

you: Really, I just -

them: Also, I see that Jenny has recently purchased a large, desirable present for you. You have a birthday coming up, I presume?

you: Yeah, but -

them: Just for calling us today, we will double that present and get you two of whatever it is.

you: No really, I -

them: Finally, I have my manager’s approval to add one more item to this growing and amazing list.

you: Er...

them: If you agree to stay with Jenny for just one more month, with no further obligation, we will not forward your complaint to her and she will not have her brother Ted come over and beat the living crap out of you. Guaranteed! So what about it sir? Wouldn’t you like to stay with this relationship a little longer and avoid joining the ranks of the sad, single men? I see that the area you live in has a much higher proportion of single men than women, and that you are not, if I may be so presumptuous, of an age to get into another relationship very easily, especially given your weight, IQ, and income level. Statistically speaking, it is more likely that you will kill yourself in a depressed, drug-induced haze than that you will find yourself in a happy relationship anytime in the next five years. So why not give Jenny another try?

you: No. I’m out. That’s it. It’s over. Kaput. Dead. I want it done. NOW.

them: I see sir. Well, I will see what I can do to help. First, I need to schedule a time for Jenny to come pick up her equipment at your house, for which there will be a $295.00 early-termination charge, as per your service contract.

you: What?!

them: I see we have an opening next week, from Monday-Wednesday, between the hours of 6am and midnight.

you: Uh, do you have any smaller window?

them: No, I’m sorry sir. We do have a two-day slot next year in July if you’d prefer.

you: No, next week is great. Come get her stuff.

them: Great sir. I will schedule that. Oh, I see here that we cannot process break-up transactions at this time. Please call back during normal business hours. It has been a pleasure to help you sir. Have a good evening.
[Click!]