3/10/2007

When I am King: Shot Down

When I am King...

Hunting procedures will change.

Who came up with the idea of a bunch of guys taking a bunch of guns and a bunch of beer out into the woods and spending the weekend shooting in random directions. Is this government-sponsored Darwinism?

It's like giving people missiles for their cars that they can fire from handy steering wheel buttons. Given the frustrations of traffic, and the general fun from making things go BOOM!, is it at all likely that nobody would get hurt?

Hunting under my regime will be changed to use a laser tag system instead. Deer and other wild creatures, like drunken hunters, will be equipped with detectors so that everyone knows when someone pegs them. The deer will also be given weapons, to make the game a little more fair.

Of course, this new approach won't result in any real kills, but who wants the mess and hassle of turning these things into dinner, anyway? If you're really after a meal from the experience, just pick up one of the variety of corpses on the side of the road on your way home. Avoid the skunk, though - that meat stinks. And skip the drunken hunter; that meat has been marinating too long.

We are also looking into sport fishing. Although not as lethal, the amount of owies from being stuck with fish hooks during baiting or taking fish off the line is truly alarming. It would be a simple matter of converting fishing to use magnetic attractors instead, and dumping toxic heavy-metals into the lakes and streams to ensure that the fish were metallic enough to adhere to the magnets. It may detract slightly from the skill and sport, but it might also broaden the activity to a larger population of hook-averse people.

I realize that some people will be upset, but otherwise the price is too deer. For everyone's safety let's give it a shot.
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