3/03/2007

When I am King: Caffiend

When I am King...

Caffeine will be faster and more convenient to take.

One day, people will realize that caffeine is worse for us than cigarettes, crack, and french fries combined. Coffee will be outlawed in the U.S.. This will cause fears of a devastating effect on nations that produce our coffee, especially since the farmers were encouraged to plant coffee beans instead of illegal drug plants in the first place. But, just like other illegal drugs, coffee's illegality and its ensuing popularity and skyrocketing price will lead to far greater bean production everywhere. Finally, the farmers will be convinced to stop producing coca plants with the allure of producing a more trendy and pricey illegal plant instead.

Lawsuits will spring up and cripple coffee shops like Starbucks and Peet's for having slowly killed all of us, shot by espresso shot.

Pushers dealing espresso from hip flasks as well as dime bags of grounds (typically cut with Folger's or soil) will be seen on the corners of gated neighborhoods.

But until that time comes, we all need more caffeine, and we need it fast. It's such a waste of time going all the way to the coffee shop, or even to the kitchen, for a cup of coffee. The French have it wrong: it's not about the experience, it's about the drug. Caffeine does a nice job of making us move, think, and need the restroom faster, but the productivy gain is lost if we have to spend so long just getting the liquid that delivers it into our brains.

We clearly need more effective ways of getting caffeine into our system.

My administration will introduce new and modern means to enable quicker and easier intake of this drug.

One approach being considered is to treat caffeine like other important food additives. Take iodine, for example. When the government realized that iodine was an important chemical element that we all needed, like chocolate or scotch, they added it to salt, reasonably assuming that we would of course reach for the salt whenever our bodies wanted some more iodine. We could do the same thing here and add caffeine to some of our food staples, like Twinkies, ice cream, or coffee.

Another approach is to offer caffeine as another standard condiment. Tables would have pepper, salt, and caffeine shakers.

Of course, some people prefer to avoid caffeine, to the point of ordering “decaf” coffee (which begs the question why they're getting coffee at all). To accomodate those enlightened yet disturbed individuals, we will also make available decaf versions of caffeine. Just like restaurants have both sugar and some rat-killing sweetener available at their tables, they will offer both caffeine and un-caffeine shakers at the tables in my kingdom.

This may not solve all of our problems, but I'm willing to give it a fair shake.
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