Video: Practical Best Practices

It's my favorite time of year - the Devoxx presentations from last year are now all free on parleys.com!

Of particular interest to serious students of computer science might be the software process talk I gave last year:
Practical Best Practices: Totally Better Best Practices for Practical Practicers

This is the same talk that I gave at the Big Android BBQ and Droidcon London (which were both posted last November). But each one is a unique snowflake, because my complete lack of rehearsal guarantees it. Also, there's a part at the end (my favorite part) where I take questions from the audience. I did that all of the times I gave that talk, but all of the questions were different (it would be odd if they weren't, since they were all given to different audiences in different countries. If I'd gotten the same questions, it would be odd and slightly disturbing and I might hire a bodyguard to protect me from geek stalkers).

Also, I like the Devoxx version because the recording and presentation quality of all of their talks is so high. When you're done with this one and you've learned everything you can from it (actually, that will be true without watching any of it), check out the other talks for the conference; it's a great developer conference that I highly encourage people to attend if they can.

https://www.parleys.com/tutorial/software-engineering-totally-better-best-practices-practical-practicers

Water Ways

Tips for saving water during California's drought.

Food for Thought

This important project was sponsored, in part, by the organizers of the Devoxx developer conferences. It represents years of research and days of indigestion.

Training Day

This important documentary gives a glimpse into the difficult training regimen of competitive presenting.

Dietribe

New! Weight Loss Plan! Explained! In this video!

Video: The Breakup

Finding the right breakup line takes practice.

Video: Part of the Problem

I've always wanted to be a motivational speaker. I thought maybe I should practice.

It's Not You, It's Me

The Great Poets: Dylan Thomas

In this first installment of a series of Great Poets reading some of their classic works, we see Dylan Thomas reading his holiday classic, A Child's Christmas in Wales.

Patterns, Shmatterns

I enjoy programming. I enjoy giving presentations. I enjoy comedy. And I really enjoy giving comedy presentations about programming.

My satire talk from the Devoxx conference is now available on parleys.com. It was meant to be a "quickie", although blowing through my 15 minutes' worth of slides in 4 minutes wasn't quite was I expected. Nevertheless, the Q&A session was fun. And totally educational. Totally.

Black Friday

I got some great deals on Black Friday!

It wasn’t easy, I have to say;

I had to beat others out of my way,

But the stuff I got was just groovy.

I got gadgets and games and DVDs,

And Walmart had great sales on massive TVs

I got one so big I could hardly squeeze

The thing into my big SUV.

My wife took a hit early on, in the mall,

But that trooper cried out, as she started to fall,

“Don’t worry about me! Go on - buy it all!”

And then she was lost in the mob.

My toddler was next on the injury list

As she fell due to somebody’s angry fist

(They were swinging at me, but I ducked and they missed);

She went down and started to sob.

I bent down and helped her (Hey! I’m her Dad!).

Her head wound fortunately wasn’t that bad

And the bleeding was slowing to just a small tad,

So I strapped her back in her stroller.

That’s when things began to go wrong;

I lost those two minutes; the sale items were gone!

Each second delayed is a second too long

In this high-stakes sales coaster roller.

My teen was next to go down for the count;

She was fighting for mittens (with half-off discount!)

And winning (by some eyewitness account),

Until she was shoved off the shelf.

The stories conflict at this point of the tale,

Did she actually bite someone at that sale?

That’s what the cops thought as they took her to jail.

(Luckily, I got the mittens myself.)

The rest of the day was a smooth operation,

There was only one other slight altercation

(Some old lady making a wild accusation

As I pushed her out of my way).

Then I drove the stuff home and packed it all in

The boxes and bags come right up to my chin!

All in all, it felt like a pretty big win.

Now I can’t wait for Cyber Monday!

Donut: A Sonnet

Donut! Thou shouldst be living in my gut.

Eaten for my breakfast (with cup of joe)

Filled with custard, or plain, iced dough,

Yet still abide you on store shelf, but

I am Hungry! Not just somewhat,

But famished, starving, full of woe,

Blood sugar level critically low,

So weak I cannot get off my butt.

So I will hatch a devious plan,

For I must have you, many of you.

And I will get you if I e’er can;

I know exactly what I must do.

“Children,” spake I, “Help your old man.

Go get some donuts, for me and you, too.”

Alone

Birds of a feather flock together.

Reptiles travel alone.

Cockroaches fester in hordes of millions.

I prefer life on my own.

Mammals tend to protect one another.

Cats are just happy to be.

Dogs roll around in fur-flying packs.

I spend my life with just me.

You’d think solitude might become a bit much,

That’d I’d be all lonely and sad.

But it turns out that talking all day to myself

Is the best conversation I’ve had.

I laugh at my jokes (unlike other folks)

And find myself charming and droll.

Sometimes I find that I’m on the floor giggling

When I’m really on a roll.

I find my debates with me riveting stuff;

Conversations go on and on,

Making points, counterpoints, and prime examples

All through the night and dawn.

No, sharing my house with my own company,

Is not a big problem at all.

And it really works out since nobody ever

Bothers returning my call.

Presupposes

A marriage kind of presupposes

Women like bouquets of roses,

Jewelry on their hands and toeses;

My true love does not.

She’s okay with a rose or two

But doesn’t make a big todo

Or care if they are red or blue;

Just puts them in a pot.

She doesn’t care for fancy rings

Or diamonds, gold, or silver things.

She says they’re for the queens and kings,

And folks with dough to burn.

She’d rather have just normal stuff

(And thinks, in fact, we have enough);

Who needs to buy this extra fluff

With money that we earn?

The things, she says, she’d rather see,

Is food enough for her and me,

And maybe for the children (three),

And a place to live.

Simple things to have in life,

Simple husband, simple wife,

Avoiding all consumer strife:

These things I gladly give.

I'm behind this all the way

(How could I not? It's less to pay!)

Buying jewelry any day's

Like setting cash on fire.

So here's my dirty laundry,

My spousal birthday quandary,

That leaves me deeply ponder-y:

What the Hell to buy her?

Crystal Methodology: The Future of Software Process Methodology Effectiveness

Most people that know me know that I can't say enough about process. In this presentation at Devoxx 2012, I tried to change that.

If the embed below isn't working for you, you can watch the talk on the parleys.com site.

Standup: Parenting

I realized that I never posted this older standup session. This is from a set at the San Jose Improv in April, 2012. It's an expanded, more, er, refined version of the short set I did at the Purple Onion.

It's about parenting. Or, rather, about sucking at parenting. The audio's not great. Oh, and it's not completely kid-friendly. A bit like me, I guess.

Butter Up!

It's the time of year for holiday treats; here are some simple recipes.

Enjoy!

Ode to Beer

I suppose last week's video poem didn't quite get all the rhyming out of my system. Maybe it just made things worse.

Here's a little ditty about drinking. I like the rhyme scheme from Poe's The Raven, I thought I'd see how well it worked when applied to the subject of beer.

“I seem to have misplaced my beer

It isn’t there, it isn’t here.

It isn’t anywhere, I fear,

I think I’ll get one more.

Now my new beer’s missing too,

Even though it was brand new,

But I know just what I should do;

There’s more in by the door.

My next beer disappeared just now.

It escaped, I know not how.

It must have walked away somehow,

I’ll refill, as before.

Then I lost, not two, or three,

But four beers when I went to pee,

I wish they would come back to me,

But meanwhile I’ll go pour.

Then I lost another five,

These beers are seemingly alive,

They leave before they quite arrive,

Making me beer poor.

I went again to pour a drink,

From the keg next to the sink,

But now it’s empty too, I think,

Which really makes me sore.

I see my empty glasses there,

Not full of beer, but full of air,

Piled underneath my chair,

Standing on the floor.

I don’t know where the liquid went,

But it’s all gone, in any event,

The winter of my beer discontent,

I’ll have one, nevermore.

It puts me in a nasty funk,

For I was hoping to get drunk,”

And then he fell down with a thunk,

And so began to snore.

Standup: Scissors and Kids

I just finished a standup show with the SFCC Showcase at the San Jose Improv this afternoon, thought I'd post the results.

This set is an expanded version of Backup Plan, which I posted a couple of weeks ago - I had a bit more time to play with and a couple more weeks to work on it, so it's a bit different than the one at the Purple Onion.

I hope you like it. Don't tell my kids about it.

Standup: Backup Plan

Here's my standup bit from the SFCC Underground show at the Purple Onion last week. Thanks to Craig for capturing it. The video is a bit rough and shaky (I can't believe Craig didn't bring a tripod. Some friend.). But I think it lends an air of gritty faux realism to the film.

I wanted to post this piece on Mother's Day, because it's all about parenting. And Costco.

And yes, the MC said "Chet House".  I'm sure it was a joke, because he's a comedian. It was hilarious.