The Optimist and the Pessimist

The optimist believes the glass is half full.
The pessimist believes the glass is half full - of poison.

The optimist says, "It's Friday!"
The pessimist says, "It's only two more days until Monday."

The optimist sighs.
The pessimist burps.

The optimist looks forward to tomorrow.
The pessimist doesn't bother.

The optimist looks away.
The pessimist looks bored.

The optimist says something happy.
The pessimist says, "We're all dead soon."

The optimist frowns.
The pessimist smirks.

The optimist looks on the bright side.
The pessimist looks for sunglasses.

The optimist thinks the pessimist is depressing.
The pessimist thinks the optimist is a jerk.
The optimist takes offense at the pessimist.
The pessimist takes a swing at the optimist.
The optimist pulls away.
The pessimist pulls a gun.
The optimist ducks under the gun, grabs the pessimist's hand and, in the struggle for the weapon, fatally shoots the pessimist.

The pessimist says, "See? I told you so," and dies.

The optimist says, "That's better!"


Things I Believe: Thoughts for Friday

Better to have loved and lost than never to have HATED SOMEONE SO COMPLETELY WHEN SHE LEFT AND TOOK EVERYTHING.

All work and no play makes Jack an adult.

Better laid than never.

Beauty is only skin deep, which is obvious when you cut the skin away and they're super gross.

A man who is his own lawyer is double-billing for his time.


When I am King: I'll Sell My Books on *All* the Online Stores!

After much gashing of teeth and dorking around with HTML, XML, CSS, ePub editors, validators, and many other pieces of arcane technology that I'd love to not have to know about, I finally managed to convert both of my comedy books into a form that's digestible by the Google Play Store.

This means that both books are not available on the Play Store. Better yet, I've made them totally reasonably-priced at just $1.99 each. Because I'm such a reasonable guy and all.

The books were already available in dead-tree format and for Kindle. And When I am King... II was already on the Play Store... but only in 'scanned' (PDF) format. The new twist now is that both books are also available in an e-reader friendly format (ePub) from the Play Store. For just $1.99. (Did I mention that already?)

When I am King...

When I am King... this book will be required reading. Until then, consider it important background reading on future social policy. And an excellent beer coaster.

When I am King... II

More Reasons to Put Me in Charge

Health. Politics. Parenting. Education. Coffee. Bamboo: serious issues that plague each of us every day. But aren’t we all too busy to deal with these them? Wouldn’t we like a friendly monarch to take over and solve all of these problems for us?

Kingship: It’s not just for princes anymore!


Cartoon: NP

Designers and developers don't really speak the same language.

(For the non CS geeks: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NP-hard).


Cartoon: Earthquake Preparedness

This is pretty much what it was like yesterday at 3:30 in the morning in my house.


Rounding Factor

Light and fluffy,
Mostly round,
Worth its weight,
Pound for pound;
Donuts are the
Best I’ve found
For eating on a Friday.

It’s not as though
They're fancy food
Or subtle; donuts
Ain't subdued.
Some might, in fact,
Just find them crude.
They’re gourmet food made my way.

They’re shaped like some
Majestic crown
Then deeply fried
To golden brown,
Boiled in lard
Until they’re drowned,
Then dried upon a rack.

Covered with a
Sugar glaze
Or sprinkled with
A powdery haze,
Fill with goop
In many ways:
A torus heart attack.


Cartoon: Conference Presentations

Now that a major developer conference is over, I like to reflect on what went into it, how well it went, and what it was like to actually prepare for it.

The easiest was for me to explain it would be in cartoon form. There is always an awkward disconnect between the organizers of the conference who, by the very nature of who they are and what they do for a living, expect everyone to be very organized about their presentations, and the engineers speaking at the conference. The engineers, because of what they do for a living (write code, ship products) tend to, er, not have slides and presentations at the top of their priority list, so there tends to be a bit of conflict leading up to the conference. Something like this: