11/30/2014

The Twelve Days of Christmas Shopping

On the first day of Christmas,
Amazon sent to me
A box.

On the second day of Christmas,
Amazon sent to me
Two cardboard boxes
And a box.

On the third day of Christmas,
Amazon sent to me
Three cardboard boxes,
Two cardboard boxes,
And a box.

On the fourth day of Christmas,
Amazon sent to me
Four cardboard boxes,
Three cardboard boxes,
Two cardboard boxes,
And a box.

On the fifth day of Christmas,
Amazon sent to me
Five envelopes,
Four cardboard boxes,
Three cardboard boxes,
Two cardboard boxes,
And a box.

On the sixth day of Christmas,
Amazon sent to me
Six cardboard boxes,
Five envelopes,
Four cardboard boxes,
Three cardboard boxes,
Two cardboard boxes,
And a box.

On the seventh day of Christmas,
Amazon sent to me
Seven cardboard boxes,
Six cardboard boxes,
Five envelopes,
Four cardboard boxes,
Three cardboard boxes,
Two cardboard boxes,
And a box.

On the eighth day of Christmas,
Amazon sent to me
Eight cardboard boxes,
Seven cardboard boxes,
Six cardboard boxes,
Five envelopes,
Four cardboard boxes,
Three cardboard boxes,
Two cardboard boxes,
And a box.

On the ninth day of Christmas,
Amazon sent to me
Nine cardboard boxes,
Eight cardboard boxes,
Seven cardboard boxes,
Six cardboard boxes,
Five envelopes,
Four cardboard boxes,
Three cardboard boxes,
Two cardboard boxes,
And a box.

On the tenth day of Christmas,
Amazon sent to me
Ten cardboard boxes,
Nine cardboard boxes,
Eight cardboard boxes,
Seven cardboard boxes,
Six cardboard boxes,
Five envelopes,
Four cardboard boxes,
Three cardboard boxes,
Two cardboard boxes,
And a box.

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
Amazon sent to me
Eleven cardboard boxes,
Ten cardboard boxes,
Nine cardboard boxes,
Eight cardboard boxes,
Seven cardboard boxes,
Six cardboard boxes,
Five envelopes,
Four cardboard boxes,
Three cardboard boxes,
Two cardboard boxes,
And a box.

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
Amazon sent to me
Twelve cardboard boxes,
Eleven cardboard boxes,
Ten cardboard boxes,
Nine cardboard boxes,
Eight cardboard boxes,
Seven cardboard boxes,
Six cardboard boxes,
Five envelopes,
Four cardboard boxes,
Three cardboard boxes,
Two cardboard boxes,
And a box.


11/27/2014

Thanksgiving Prayer

Now I lay me down to eat:
I prey upon the turkey meat.
Stuffing follows in its wake,
Buried in a gravy lake.

Now I lay me down to rest,
After some more chicken breast.
If I shall die before I wake,
I won’t regret this food I take.

Amen.

10/24/2014

The Optimist and the Pessimist

The optimist believes the glass is half full.
The pessimist believes the glass is half full - of poison.

The optimist says, "It's Friday!"
The pessimist says, "It's only two more days until Monday."

The optimist sighs.
The pessimist burps.

The optimist looks forward to tomorrow.
The pessimist doesn't bother.

The optimist looks away.
The pessimist looks bored.

The optimist says something happy.
The pessimist says, "We're all dead soon."

The optimist frowns.
The pessimist smirks.

The optimist looks on the bright side.
The pessimist looks for sunglasses.

The optimist thinks the pessimist is depressing.
The pessimist thinks the optimist is a jerk.
The optimist takes offense at the pessimist.
The pessimist takes a swing at the optimist.
The optimist pulls away.
The pessimist pulls a gun.
The optimist ducks under the gun, grabs the pessimist's hand and, in the struggle for the weapon, fatally shoots the pessimist.

The pessimist says, "See? I told you so," and dies.



The optimist says, "That's better!"

9/26/2014

Things I Believe: Thoughts for Friday

Better to have loved and lost than never to have HATED SOMEONE SO COMPLETELY WHEN SHE LEFT AND TOOK EVERYTHING.

All work and no play makes Jack an adult.

Better laid than never.

Beauty is only skin deep, which is obvious when you cut the skin away and they're super gross.

A man who is his own lawyer is double-billing for his time.

9/22/2014

When I am King: I'll Sell My Books on *All* the Online Stores!

After much gashing of teeth and dorking around with HTML, XML, CSS, ePub editors, validators, and many other pieces of arcane technology that I'd love to not have to know about, I finally managed to convert both of my comedy books into a form that's digestible by the Google Play Store.

This means that both books are not available on the Play Store. Better yet, I've made them totally reasonably-priced at just $1.99 each. Because I'm such a reasonable guy and all.

The books were already available in dead-tree format and for Kindle. And When I am King... II was already on the Play Store... but only in 'scanned' (PDF) format. The new twist now is that both books are also available in an e-reader friendly format (ePub) from the Play Store. For just $1.99. (Did I mention that already?)




When I am King...

When I am King... this book will be required reading. Until then, consider it important background reading on future social policy. And an excellent beer coaster.




When I am King... II

More Reasons to Put Me in Charge

Health. Politics. Parenting. Education. Coffee. Bamboo: serious issues that plague each of us every day. But aren’t we all too busy to deal with these them? Wouldn’t we like a friendly monarch to take over and solve all of these problems for us?

Kingship: It’s not just for princes anymore!

8/30/2014

Cartoon: NP

Designers and developers don't really speak the same language.


(For the non CS geeks: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NP-hard).

8/25/2014

Cartoon: Earthquake Preparedness

This is pretty much what it was like yesterday at 3:30 in the morning in my house.



8/22/2014

Rounding Factor


Light and fluffy,
Mostly round,
Worth its weight,
Pound for pound;
Donuts are the
Best I’ve found
For eating on a Friday.

It’s not as though
They're fancy food
Or subtle; donuts
Ain't subdued.
Some might, in fact,
Just find them crude.
They’re gourmet food made my way.

They’re shaped like some
Majestic crown
Then deeply fried
To golden brown,
Boiled in lard
Until they’re drowned,
Then dried upon a rack.

Covered with a
Sugar glaze
Or sprinkled with
A powdery haze,
Fill with goop
In many ways:
A torus heart attack.