The First Christmas Present

The man walked to the bottom of the stairs and yelled up to his wife.

“Honey! I need a present!”

The man’s wife yelled back, “A present? You want me to give you a present?”

He said, “No, I need to give a present. I’m going to this thing and I need to bring a gift. For a baby. Or for his parents. It’s not clear. But I have to get rolling; Bob and Pete are out front waiting for me.”

His wife came to the top of the stairs. She said, “So you want me to suddenly come up with a great present. Any reason why you couldn’t have given me more notice than this? Like maybe you could have mentioned this when I went shopping yesterday? Or — I know! — you could have actually gotten this yourself, instead of relying on me! Wouldn’t that have been the wise thing to do?”

He said, “I know, I know. I’m sorry! But honestly, I didn’t know until just now. Bob and Pete just showed up and said we gotta go, and I need to take a gift.”

His wife stared at him for a few seconds. “Alright. I’ll see what I can do. Who’s the gift for?”

“Like I said — a baby.”

“Whose baby?”

The man said, “I don’t know.”

She said, “Wait, you don’t know? And you’re supposed to bring a gift? What is this, some kind of Secret Santa thing?”

He said, “No, it’s more complicated than that. It’s just — we’re supposed to go see this kid and bring him gifts.”

His wife stared silently again. “I… don’t get it. I mean, what’d he do that’s so special that you have to bring him something?”

“Apparently he’s the son of God or something.”

She said, “Rrrrrright. And where is this kid?”

He looked sheepishly at her. “I don’t really know. The guys said we just follow this star, and…”

She interrupted, “A star? You follow a star? Can you not — just once — ask directions? Or at least get an address and take a map? It’s like a desert out there! You could totally get lost. This makes no sense.”

He said, “I know, I know. Look, I don’t know any more than what I’ve told you. But I have to go, and I need something to give the kid.”

His wife walked downstairs. “Alright, alright, let me think.” She paused. “Wait, you remember that thing we got from your parents last year?”

He said, “Oh, you mean the… what was it?”

She said, “Myrrh. It was myrrh.”

He said, “Right, that. And… what was it exactly?”

She said, “I have no idea. Which is why it’s been sitting on the shelf in our garage since then. Still in its gift bag.”

He said, “But if they gave it to us, are we allowed to give it to someone else? Isn’t that like cheating?”

She said, “Who’s gonna know? The present police? Look, you want a present. And I have a present. It’s even still wrapped in that bag. It’s perfect.”

He said, “Except we don’t really know what it’s for.”

She said, “Well, that’s not our problem — it’s his. And what’s he going to do, complain? He’s a baby!”

He said, “Okay, okay, fine. I don’t really have a choice, anyway; I’ve got to go now. Where is it?”

She said, “I’ll get it.” She went out to the garage and came back with a colorful bag. “Look, doesn’t that look nice? It’s even got pictures of balloons on the gift bag. Babies like balloons. I put a new tag on it; they’ll never know.”

He said, “Yeah, that’ll do. Thanks, hon. Okay, I’ll see you soon. I think. Depends on where that star is headed.”

Dear Santa

A Donut for Christmas

A donut for Christmas is all that I want

In fact it is all that I need.

I don't need more games or gadgets or toys

Or movies or big books to read.

I just want a donut, with sprinkles on top,

For that I will beg and then plead.

And if you do not bring me this one little thing,

Then Santa, get ready to bleed.

Christmas Delivery

It was Christmas Eve and the workshop was, of course, utter chaos. It was the same every year.

Sometime in February, a new Program Manager would propose a brand new process that would surely fix it last year's problems. “This time,” they’d say, “We’ll do it earlier. And we’ll do it better!”

It would always start with schedule adjustments:

• The Naughty & Nice List must be frozen by June
• Present orders due August first
• Present manufacturing August-September
• Present delivery to Shipping in October
• Outstanding issues and errors processed in October
• Final order adjustments in November

This, they said, would leave all of December to pack the sled, double-check everything, and take a big breath before Delivery.

The schedule would start slipping early on. First, the Naughty & Nice List wouldn’t be ready on time. The PMs would ask for it, but Evaluation would push back, saying, “The year hasn’t even happened yet! We don’t know whether they’re naughty or nice!” They’d offer some token names for the List (with some kids you always know how its going to end up), but it didn’t even account for 5% of the total List. The PMs would argue for incremental improvement and names would trickle in over the year, but the bulk of the evaluations really didn’t happen until late Fall.

Presents couldn’t be ordered in July, of course, because it wasn’t clear who would get what until the List was complete. Manufacturing stalled waiting on Ordering. And the entire Shipping department just went on a six month offsite to Aruba, knowing that there wouldn’t be anything for them to deal with until the last minute.

Finally it all always comes together in December, with everything happening in parallel, gumming up the works as elves are hand-carrying names, orders, and presents in a flurry of activity more like Black Friday at Walmart than Santa’s Happy Workshop.

This year, some PM (a new one, of course, as the previous year’s PM quit in a huff and took on a job in Returns (“At least Returns knows something about adhering to process!, ” she quipped in her obligatory departmental goodbye email)) had the bright idea of trying out some Agile methodology. They apparently ran across a huge stack of some book in Returns on the subject and thought that it would solve all of our problems.

The year started out with this discouraging email:

Hey Team!

As your new scrum master, I’m here to welcome you to 2014, or what I’m calling The Year of Process! This year, we won’t suffer any of the previous problems because we will iterate on deliverables in short sprints, delivering incremental product improvements based on specific customer requirements. Daily stand-up meetings will cover status as well as project overlap and bottlenecks, which will be adjusted through cross-team collaboration.

Through careful adherence to process discipline, we will all have a productive year and December will be a joyous holiday time instead of a slog.

So welcome to the Year of Process: It’s my gift to you!

Sincerely,
Scrum Master Elf

Nobody understood or cared about this. Another year, another PM. Another PM, another attempt at fixing an unfixable problem.

We all showed up for the first stand-up meeting; we’d heard there would be donuts. Everyone but the PM was seated comfortably, despite his best efforts to get us to rise. We spent a few painful minutes in a round-table status discussion, then ambled off to get some more coffee.

The next day there was another stand-up meeting, but I don’t think anyone other than the PM showed up.

We’d get a flurry of emails on how things were going on an almost continual basis. I think the PM was just having a conversation with himself; I know that we weren’t listening. Emails with titles like, “February Sprint Deliverables!” and “March Deadline Approaching!” and “[URGENT!] April Requirements Due!” all got auto-filtered into our junk folders.

Around July, the emails stopped cold. The official story was that the PM had taken a vacation, from which he apparently never returned. The word on the street was that he had flipped out in the break room and started flinging sugar packets everywhere, shouting, “And you get process! And you get process! And you get process!” Security escorted him out and he’s supposedly recovering in his mother’s basement.

The rest of the year went the same as they always do, with everyone just hanging out playing poker until December and then kicking into overdrive to get it all done on time.

So here we were again: December 24th. The List had barely come in in time to have any of the presents ordered. But we pushed through a Code Red and got all the right forms submitted. The assembly line kicked into high gear, temporary elves were brought on, overtime was signed off on, and all of the presents were made to spec (though without, perhaps, the care and attention that they all deserved. But how is a five year old supposed to notice too much glue in a joint? Or whether their bear is cross-eyed? Or whether their toy trains wheels are trued?). We all formed a packing line to get the presents from Manufacturing into the sleigh, and it was all finally done with at least a minute to spare. Maybe even a minute and a half.

“Okay, Santa,” I said to my boss as he settled into his seat, putting his fresh quint-espresso into the cup holder (a recent addition to the sleigh, something we managed in the summer downtime). “Everything is here: all present and accounted for. It’s a wrap!”

He looked at me sternly. “You really need some new jokes,” he said.

“And I thought I had a gift!,” I said with a smile.

“Ugh. All right, let’s hook up the reindeer and get these delivered.”

“Yes sir!”

I turned to make it happen when he called me back.

“Oh, and one more thing.”

“Yes, Santa?”

“I have an idea for a present for me for next year.”

“Really? We’ve… we’ve… we’ve never had such a request, sir. I’m not sure we’re equipped. But we’ll see what we can do. Do you need a new sleigh? Dry-cleaning for your outfit? A new set of reindeer? A beard trimmer? World peace? What can we get you, sir?”

“I want a year without process.”

“Yes, sir!”

The Twelve Days of Christmas Shopping

On the first day of Christmas,

Amazon sent to me

A box.

On the second day of Christmas,

Amazon sent to me

Two cardboard boxes

And a box.

On the third day of Christmas,

Amazon sent to me

Three cardboard boxes,

Two cardboard boxes,

And a box.

On the fourth day of Christmas,

Amazon sent to me

Four cardboard boxes,

Three cardboard boxes,

Two cardboard boxes,

And a box.

On the fifth day of Christmas,

Amazon sent to me

Five envelopes,

Four cardboard boxes,

Three cardboard boxes,

Two cardboard boxes,

And a box.

On the sixth day of Christmas,

Amazon sent to me

Six cardboard boxes,

Five envelopes,

Four cardboard boxes,

Three cardboard boxes,

Two cardboard boxes,

And a box.

On the seventh day of Christmas,

Amazon sent to me

Seven cardboard boxes,

Six cardboard boxes,

Five envelopes,

Four cardboard boxes,

Three cardboard boxes,

Two cardboard boxes,

And a box.

On the eighth day of Christmas,

Amazon sent to me

Eight cardboard boxes,

Seven cardboard boxes,

Six cardboard boxes,

Five envelopes,

Four cardboard boxes,

Three cardboard boxes,

Two cardboard boxes,

And a box.

On the ninth day of Christmas,

Amazon sent to me

Nine cardboard boxes,

Eight cardboard boxes,

Seven cardboard boxes,

Six cardboard boxes,

Five envelopes,

Four cardboard boxes,

Three cardboard boxes,

Two cardboard boxes,

And a box.

On the tenth day of Christmas,

Amazon sent to me

Ten cardboard boxes,

Nine cardboard boxes,

Eight cardboard boxes,

Seven cardboard boxes,

Six cardboard boxes,

Five envelopes,

Four cardboard boxes,

Three cardboard boxes,

Two cardboard boxes,

And a box.

On the eleventh day of Christmas,

Amazon sent to me

Eleven cardboard boxes,

Ten cardboard boxes,

Nine cardboard boxes,

Eight cardboard boxes,

Seven cardboard boxes,

Six cardboard boxes,

Five envelopes,

Four cardboard boxes,

Three cardboard boxes,

Two cardboard boxes,

And a box.

On the twelfth day of Christmas,

Amazon sent to me

Twelve cardboard boxes,

Eleven cardboard boxes,

Ten cardboard boxes,

Nine cardboard boxes,

Eight cardboard boxes,

Seven cardboard boxes,

Six cardboard boxes,

Five envelopes,

Four cardboard boxes,

Three cardboard boxes,

Two cardboard boxes,

And a box.

Thanksgiving Prayer

Now I lay me down to eat:

I prey upon the turkey meat.

Stuffing follows in its wake,

Buried in a gravy lake.

Now I lay me down to rest,

After some more chicken breast.

If I shall die before I wake,

I won’t regret this food I take.

Amen.

Happy Mother's Day

Cartoon: Easter Lesson

Valentimes

I wanted to send all of you cards, but I didn't have your addresses. But here's what I would have sent:

Roses are red,

Violets are blue.

So am I

And so are you.

---

Happy Valentines Day

I'd offer my love,

But you wanted flowers instead.

---

Happy Valentines Day

I just wanted you to know that my calendar reminded me.

---

Happy Valentines Day

Here are some dead flowers

And candy hearts that taste like chalk.

Santa's Mantel

I've always made my own Christmas cards, partly because I prefer my own jokes over store-bought ones. But mostly because I'm a cheap bastard.

Here's one of my first card covers, from way back in 1989.

'Twas the Night Before Donut

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a donut was stirring, nor a crumb on a blouse.

The donuts were stacked by the chimney with care,

In hopes that St Nicholas would see them all there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of donuts danced in their heads.

And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I with my donut,

Had just settled our brains for a big winter’s donut.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I instantly ate a big donut from the platter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Then back to the donuts (no need to be rash).

A dozen fresh donuts on a gleaming white plate

Were more interesting than anything else on that date.

But what then happened to surprise all our souls,

A dozen fresh donuts, and eight donut holes.

With a donut old donut, so donut and quick.

I donut in donut, it donut St. Nick.

More donut than donuts his donuts they came

And he donut and donut, and donut by donut.

Donut, donut, donut donut.

Donut, donut, donut donut.

Donut donut, do-o-o-nut,

Donut, donut, donut, donut.

Donut donut donut donut

Donut donut donut donut

Donut donut donut donut

Donut donut donut donut.

Donutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonut.

Donut.

The Reason for the Season

People often talk about the “reason for the season” at this time of year. It's so easy to lose sight of what it's all about, what with all of the shopping, and the fuss, and the arguments leading to restraining orders, breakups, and [totally unwarranted] manslaughter charges. So I thought a small history lesson would provide some important context.

Did you know that Santa Claus was based on a real person? Did you also know that this person was named “Jacob Torvoldtsen”? The change to Santa Claus makes more sense when pronouncing Jacob’s name in the original Finnish language; that language is actually just a simple code where letters represent completely different letters in other languages. This approach to their language also explains why people with Finnish accents often sound like Stephen Hawking’s voice, because their brain is too busy processing the code algorithm to spend much time on subtle human nuances of pronunciation.

Mr. Torvoldtsen (hereafter referred to as Jacob, because I have the darnedest time spelling his last name) was famous in his community as someone who gave stuff away. Specifically, he was the local drug pusher, standing out on the corner of Blakemont and Fünfnoggle at all hours, selling temporary happiness to junkies of all ages. He was well known for giving the first one away for free, knowing that his highly addictive products would have customers come back clamoring for more at any price. He sold mainly two products, which he called “Merry” and “Happy,” in a desperate attempt to use marketing spin to cover the fact that they were both basically nothing but fermented reindeer dung. Even in the dead of winter, Jacob would be seen standing there, in drifts of snow 15 feet deep. Actually, only the snow was seen, but passers-by could hear him deep inside the snow peddling his wares, with a muffled “Have a merry! And a happy!”

The drug business wasn’t easy in those days, especially since he depended heavily on foot traffic in an area where it was too cold for people to leave their houses ten months out of the year. So, keen businessman that he was, Jacob entered the flesh trade, becoming a pimp for the local street walkers, whom he referred to as his “pack of elves.” Soon it was common for the community to hear his hawking cries at all hours of the night, crying “Ho! Ho! Ho!” as he tried vainly to interest sailors, businessmen, and young school boys in women so deeply embedded in parkas that potential clients had no idea what they looked like or whether they were actually women. Jacob tried, of course, to have his employees dress in slightly less clothing, but this ended up costing him as those women usually died of frostbite or ended up in the hospital.

It was really only when he took his tawdry business on the road that things picked up for Jacob. One night, more to elude the local constabulary than for any other reason, he sleigh-jacked a young lumberjack on his way back from the forest, tossing the man into a local snow drift and racing off with his vehicle and the pack of reindeer pulling it.

From that point on, Jacob’s fortunes were looking up. He was able to dash quickly into new towns, push his drugs and elves onto unsuspecting people, and race out of town before the police caught up to him. His reputation grew and it wasn’t long before townspeople, knowing that he was on the move, would exclaim, “You’d better watch out! Santa Claus is coming to town!” Unfortunate children who were insufficiently hidden in nearby snow drifts would catch his attention, and he’d ask, “And what would you like for Christmas?,” often throwing them some drug-laced, highly addictive candy canes (which were actually meant to be straight sticks of candy, but which melted into a cane shape, due to the ferocity of the drugs).

Over the years, his wild rides ceased and his adventures faded into legend, attracting, as most legends do, an air of nostalgia and level of falsehood usually reserved for politicians. What were once warnings to the townspeople became friendly greetings, and the man who once was regarded as the “Scourge of Jyväskylä” became the basis for the story of the jolliest man to ever invite small children onto his lap.

So if you happen to see any Santas about this weekend, greet them in the traditional way: say “Hello, Mr. Torvoldtsen!” and then call the cops on them.

Black Friday

I got some great deals on Black Friday!

It wasn’t easy, I have to say;

I had to beat others out of my way,

But the stuff I got was just groovy.

I got gadgets and games and DVDs,

And Walmart had great sales on massive TVs

I got one so big I could hardly squeeze

The thing into my big SUV.

My wife took a hit early on, in the mall,

But that trooper cried out, as she started to fall,

“Don’t worry about me! Go on - buy it all!”

And then she was lost in the mob.

My toddler was next on the injury list

As she fell due to somebody’s angry fist

(They were swinging at me, but I ducked and they missed);

She went down and started to sob.

I bent down and helped her (Hey! I’m her Dad!).

Her head wound fortunately wasn’t that bad

And the bleeding was slowing to just a small tad,

So I strapped her back in her stroller.

That’s when things began to go wrong;

I lost those two minutes; the sale items were gone!

Each second delayed is a second too long

In this high-stakes sales coaster roller.

My teen was next to go down for the count;

She was fighting for mittens (with half-off discount!)

And winning (by some eyewitness account),

Until she was shoved off the shelf.

The stories conflict at this point of the tale,

Did she actually bite someone at that sale?

That’s what the cops thought as they took her to jail.

(Luckily, I got the mittens myself.)

The rest of the day was a smooth operation,

There was only one other slight altercation

(Some old lady making a wild accusation

As I pushed her out of my way).

Then I drove the stuff home and packed it all in

The boxes and bags come right up to my chin!

All in all, it felt like a pretty big win.

Now I can’t wait for Cyber Monday!

Thanksgiving: An Ode to Overeating

Now we sit to eat some bird

I have second helpings, then a third,

For forty-five minutes not a word is heard

As we all eat as much as we can.

There’s relish quivering on a plate

And tons of meat to masticate

And gravy for the mashed potat-

oes (man oh man oh man).

There’s spinach casserole in a dish

Next to the dressing (that’s just delish)

And then mashed potatoes, as much as you’d wish

For, the spread goes on and on.

There’s beans and there’s stuffing (both cornbread and herb)

And some pasta thing that’s simply superb,

The tables of food extend way out to the curb,

From the kitchen right out to the lawn.

Nuts in a bowl go mostly uneaten;

The candies beside have them easily beaten,

Healthy consumption always feels like cheatin’

At the annual Thanksgiving meal.

The turkey was cooked all wrapped with bacon

(If you think our meal’s kosher, you’re quite mistaken)

Anyone’s diet was quite forsaken,

Eating badly is, frankly, the deal.

I’m eating and eating and getting quite stuffed

But of dressing and gravy, I can’t get enough!

So I swallow some more, which is very tough,

But that’s what Thanksgiving’s for!

When I can’t fit more in, I loosen my jeans;

I have to find room, no matter the means,

I must have more meat! more gravy! more greens!

I’ll eat till I can’t any more!

Standing up frees some space for one more bite,

But forcing another takes all of my might,

Continuing eating just doesn’t seem right,

So I just stuff the rest in my mouth.

Mm-mm-rrf sn-ggrrr-fn, r-r-n g-ckn,

Fr gn-gn s shn-gr fn gr n-m-n,

Ck-sn dn-mn frr-gn, d-srn dn-drn-dn,

P frgn dr srn grndy brouf.

The True Meaning of Easter

He dyed for your sins

Butter Up!

It's the time of year for holiday treats; here are some simple recipes.

Enjoy!

Christmas is Coming!

Christmas is Coming!

I have to be good!

I must be the best kid

In my neighborhood.

Santa will know if

I’m not at the top, and

He gives the best gifts to

The cream of the crop.

I tried to be nice

All the year long.

But all that I did

Just turned out wrong.

I helped an old lady

Crossing the street

Till she fell through the manhole

Under her feet.

I lit up our house,

‘Twas the brightest in town.

But the fires I lit just

Burned the place down.

I donated things and

Gave to the poor,

But I guess they don’t like

My compost anymore.

I tried to recycle

All kinds of things

But my sister complained

She still needed those rings.

I treated my parents with

Kindness and pleasance,

Except for the times I

Was in their presence.

I kept my room spotless

One time for a week,

After my dead gerbil

Started to reek.

I help with the dishes when

Mother is cooking,

And I only break stuff when

She isn’t looking.

But no matter what,

I just don’t end up nice,

So Santa, I really could

Use some advice.

How can I do this?

What have I missed?

Help me to get off

Your long naughty list.

Should I write you more letters?

Can I bribe you at all?

Do you have a cell number

That I can call?

If I kidnapped your reindeer,

Would that do the trick?

Or what if I threatened

You, Mr. Saint Nick?

I’ll do anything,

Anything; is that clear?

Whatever will get me

A present this year.

Cartoon: Tree Decorating

Holiday Shopping News

Consumer Behavior on Traditionally Biggest Holiday Shopping Weekend Mystifies Analysts

11/28/2012 6:45 am

According to a consumer survey* taken early this morning, zero people in the U.S. shopped in retail stores last Friday, making it the weakest Black Friday showing since hoop-and-stick games were the only toys being sold. Said one would-be shopper, "The mall? On Friday after Thanksgiving? Are you nuts? No, I'll just hang at home. I've got some stuff to do, anyway. Mail to go through, stuff like that."

There was an uptick on Saturday as 311,591,197 people drove to the drug store and bought deodorant, then bought shoes in a local sporting goods store. As one consumer put it, "My shoes were really beat up. The soles were flapping. I sounded like a cheap clown act walking down the hallway."

Sunday saw a rash of online purchasing, as 311,591,197 people bought a book through online retailer Amazon.com. "It was an eBook," said one respondent. "Some sci-fi thing. I dunno, looked interesting."

Cyber Monday also saw a surge of online activity as 311,591,197 people browsed shopping sites, although a total of zero (0) items were purchased. As one person put it, "I looked around on some sites, but didn't see anything interesting. Same old stuff, you know? Besides, I had work to do."

If this weekend is any indication of future holiday behavior, it could be a rough season for retailers, both online and brick-and-mortar. Meanwhile, retailers are expected to stock up in deodorant, shoes, and eBooks, in the hope that these recent consumer trends continue to provide a bright spot in these dark days.

Following is a graphical representation of the survey data. Note, in particular, the huge uptick in shoes because, according to the survey data, people who buy one shoe usually buy another shoe as well.

* Survey sample size of one, extrapolated to current population of United States.

Thanksgiving is Over

Thanksgiving is over.

I feel so bloated.

I think that my stomach and

Liver exploded.

Everything was going

Along just fine.

We’d finished the beer and

Started on wine.

I had mashed potatoes. The

Stuffing was incredible.

I also had lots of all

Else that was edible.

The meat was divine,

The relish was sweet.

Even the vegetables

Provided a treat.

(Spinach casserole, a dish

Handed down from my mother,

Is just spinach held in a

Suspension of butter.)

There was bread, there was wine,

And side dishes galore;

So many that we had

No place to store

Them, and so we kept eating

Because it was there.

We packed it all in,

To the max we could bear.

No sound at the table but

Mass mastication,

With occasional slurps from

Gravy lubrication.

The carcass finally showed

Signs of demise,

And I’d stopped at my seventh

Helping (which was wise).

Uncle Ted had passed out

With his head in his plate,

Which helped his poor chair, by

Distributing his weight.

We’d all settled down,

Alive, but inert...

That’s when the cooks

Came in with dessert.

There was pie of all kinds,

And tons of whipped cream,

An infinite spread of

Dessert, so it seemed.

So we ate again,

I hereby admit.

We crammed it all down,

Every last bit.

Every pie, all the cream;

We sucked it all in.

Auntie Jen was even seen

Licking a tin.

And then it was over,

And we were all groaning,

All you could hear in the house

Was us moaning.

Joe went to sleep,

Right there on the floor,

Followed by Betty,

And two or three more.

Somebody slept out

On the back deck,

Which broke with his weight,

Nearly breaking his neck.

The rest of us managed

To struggle to bed,

Wishing we’d eaten a

Bit less instead.

Thanksgiving is over,

We’re all still in pain.

But there are leftovers;

Let’s do it again!