People will have many more days of planetary celebration.
I hope you enjoyed Earth Day this past week. I know I did - I spent all day living on the planet, not leaving it for even one second.
But Earth Day has always seemed somehow, I don't know, dirty to me. I mean, why celebrate soil? When you have kids in the house, you live your life in a pile of dirt, so taking a day to celebrate it seems a bit much to me. It's like having Lint Day, or Dust Day, or What-the-Hell-Is-That-on-the-Ceiling-and-How-Did-It-Get-There Day.
When I am King, I will institute several other days of celebration for our planet's people:
Girth Day: While Earth Day is about less waste, Girth Day is about more waist.
The holiday is typically celebrated by binge eating.
Dearth Day: Earth Day is about using less, Dearth Day is about having less.
The day is celebrated by scavenger hunts for everything you don't have enough of, like cash, paired socks, and time.
Birth Day: This is not the traditional celebration of when each of us was born. Instead, this is a celebration of birth itself.
Each of us will undergo extreme exertion, a nearly lethal amount of pain, and then finish by covering ourselves in viscous fluids. The final part of the ceremony is marked by our receiving an epidural drug strong enough to knock us out for a week.
Mirth Day: This should be a funny one.
Perth Day: Everyone in the entire world will crowd into Perth, Australia for this single day.
Worth Day: Each person will calculate their net worth to the penny on Worth Day. This was not possible in prior years, but thankfully the implosion of world financial systems has made everyone's net worth just about zero, so it should be an easy and fun exercise.
The occasion is usually celebrated with heavy, somber drinking.
For those who wish to follow along at home:
Is music-on-hold a measured response?
Does it harmonize more than it’s helping?
Do answering systems with options galore
Leave us screaming and drooling and yelping?
I usually feel like I’ll never escape,
Spending life in an infinite loop.
Surely Hell does not have tortures worse than this pile
Of infuriating, telephony poop.
“Press one for a menu with more number options,
Press two if you’re feeling bold.
Press three if you want to repeat these choices,
Press four for music-on-hold.
Press five if you want to record a message
Press six if, instead, you do not.
Press seven if you want the menu in Swedish,
Press eight if in Cypriot.
Press nine in emergency; this will connect you
To menus read out much more quickly.
Press zero to hang up; you can call back later,
When you’re feeling a little less prickly.
If none of these options appear to be yours
Perhaps you just dialed for fun.
We’ll hang up now, and thank you for calling
The hotline at 9-1-1.”
So here’s one:
Q: Who travels the world this weekend, hiding pieces of matza for the children to find?
A: The Easter rabbi
I recently looked at my bank statement. After I recovered, I tried to figure out what the slogan about my "Financial Well Being" meant. I think I've narrowed it down to either:
My finances are deeply underground and under water
My investments have been like throwing coins into a deep hole in the ground and making a wish.