Oh Dog of Shitty Posture

Oh dog of shitty posture

Listing to the right.

A vision of a crumpled mess

In coat of dingy white.

Oh dog of shitty posture

Slumped upon your hip.

A broken, melted candle.

A slowly sinking ship.

Oh dog of shitty posture,

What happened to your pride?

Why don’t you sit up on your feet,

Instead of on your side?

National Donut Day

Some holidays get a

Big, loud parade

Or concert halls where

Music is played.

Some holidays get

Flags a-waving

At monuments with

Marble engraving.

But my favorite day

Gets none of this stuff.

The fact that it’s here

Is joyous enough.

Just to eat a good donut

At work or at play

Is the best way to honor

National Donut Day.

Happy National Donut Day, everyone!

May your joy grow with your waistline!

A Donut for Christmas

A donut for Christmas is all that I want

In fact it is all that I need.

I don't need more games or gadgets or toys

Or movies or big books to read.

I just want a donut, with sprinkles on top,

For that I will beg and then plead.

And if you do not bring me this one little thing,

Then Santa, get ready to bleed.

Father's Day: It's All About the Donuts

Warm and dripping,

Super glazy

Perfect food for

Super lazy

People, I go

Super crazy

When the donuts come.

Dozens by the

Cardboard box,

With only paper

Flaps as locks,

I’ll fill myself down

To my socks;

I think, in fact, I’ll have some.

Does anyone know what this Sunday is? No? Nobody?
Sunday is Father's Day.

That's right, it's the one day every year that we set aside for making every child feel guilty for what their father's have done for them while simultaneously making every father feel guilty that they haven't done enough for their children.
It's like Mother's Day except that, face it, Dad's just kinda suck more at the job.

So why not make everyone feel better. Give the man a donut.
Oh wait - he's eaten too many of those already? Well how about a book instead?

Round and Holy: An Homage to Donuts (The Book)

Q: What's better than a donut in the morning?

A: A donut book in the morning. And a donut.

Once in a generation, a book comes along that will change your life.
This is not that book.

These richly illustrated poems celebrate humanity's greatest achievement: the donut.

Round & Holy: An Homage to Donuts: Now available from Amazon:

The Twelve Days of Christmas Shopping

On the first day of Christmas,

Amazon sent to me

A box.

On the second day of Christmas,

Amazon sent to me

Two cardboard boxes

And a box.

On the third day of Christmas,

Amazon sent to me

Three cardboard boxes,

Two cardboard boxes,

And a box.

On the fourth day of Christmas,

Amazon sent to me

Four cardboard boxes,

Three cardboard boxes,

Two cardboard boxes,

And a box.

On the fifth day of Christmas,

Amazon sent to me

Five envelopes,

Four cardboard boxes,

Three cardboard boxes,

Two cardboard boxes,

And a box.

On the sixth day of Christmas,

Amazon sent to me

Six cardboard boxes,

Five envelopes,

Four cardboard boxes,

Three cardboard boxes,

Two cardboard boxes,

And a box.

On the seventh day of Christmas,

Amazon sent to me

Seven cardboard boxes,

Six cardboard boxes,

Five envelopes,

Four cardboard boxes,

Three cardboard boxes,

Two cardboard boxes,

And a box.

On the eighth day of Christmas,

Amazon sent to me

Eight cardboard boxes,

Seven cardboard boxes,

Six cardboard boxes,

Five envelopes,

Four cardboard boxes,

Three cardboard boxes,

Two cardboard boxes,

And a box.

On the ninth day of Christmas,

Amazon sent to me

Nine cardboard boxes,

Eight cardboard boxes,

Seven cardboard boxes,

Six cardboard boxes,

Five envelopes,

Four cardboard boxes,

Three cardboard boxes,

Two cardboard boxes,

And a box.

On the tenth day of Christmas,

Amazon sent to me

Ten cardboard boxes,

Nine cardboard boxes,

Eight cardboard boxes,

Seven cardboard boxes,

Six cardboard boxes,

Five envelopes,

Four cardboard boxes,

Three cardboard boxes,

Two cardboard boxes,

And a box.

On the eleventh day of Christmas,

Amazon sent to me

Eleven cardboard boxes,

Ten cardboard boxes,

Nine cardboard boxes,

Eight cardboard boxes,

Seven cardboard boxes,

Six cardboard boxes,

Five envelopes,

Four cardboard boxes,

Three cardboard boxes,

Two cardboard boxes,

And a box.

On the twelfth day of Christmas,

Amazon sent to me

Twelve cardboard boxes,

Eleven cardboard boxes,

Ten cardboard boxes,

Nine cardboard boxes,

Eight cardboard boxes,

Seven cardboard boxes,

Six cardboard boxes,

Five envelopes,

Four cardboard boxes,

Three cardboard boxes,

Two cardboard boxes,

And a box.

Thanksgiving Prayer

Now I lay me down to eat:

I prey upon the turkey meat.

Stuffing follows in its wake,

Buried in a gravy lake.

Now I lay me down to rest,

After some more chicken breast.

If I shall die before I wake,

I won’t regret this food I take.

Amen.

Rounding Factor

Light and fluffy,

Mostly round,

Worth its weight,

Pound for pound;

Donuts are the

Best I’ve found

For eating on a Friday.

It’s not as though

They're fancy food

Or subtle; donuts

Ain't subdued.

Some might, in fact,

Just find them crude.

They’re gourmet food made my way.

They’re shaped like some

Majestic crown

Then deeply fried

To golden brown,

Boiled in lard

Until they’re drowned,

Then dried upon a rack.

Covered with a

Sugar glaze

Or sprinkled with

A powdery haze,

Fill with goop

In many ways:

A torus heart attack.

Today I am Older

Today I am older

And closer to death.

I can feel the clock ticking

With every breath.

(I can’t find a third word

To rhyme with death)

It was my birthday today.

It’s not that I’m sad about

Aging. In fact,

The alternative sucks,

To be quite exact.

So I’ll take getting older

Over getting whacked;

Living’s better than not any day.

Donuts: My Turn

It was my turn to go to the donut shop,

But I had no time and could not stop.

The future looked bleak and pastry-free;

I dreaded going to work.

I slowly opened my building’s door

Climbed the stairs, feeling bad, more and more,

Walked past the cubes and the offices,

Feeling like such a jerk.

When what did my drooping eyes perceive,

But something I could not scarcely believe:

Two boxes of donuts were there on display;

I was saved by a kindly co-work-

er.

Donut and Coffee

Donut and coffee,

Together again.

I haven't had these two

Since I don't know when.

Oh, wait - just last Friday,

Before the weekend,

I had three or four

(or five) then.

My Donut, My Savior

She said something nasty

(Oh, holy moley!):

She said that donuts

Are wholly unholy.

Whether jelly-filled bun,

Or a custard-filled roll,

Or simple and glazed;

They all have a hole.

Why she claimed what she did

Is a sad little riddle;

Each donut is holy,

Right there in its middle.

To each his own God;

Or religion profound.

I place my faith in

The Donut, most round.

Friday Donut Poem

It’s not that I needed a donut today.

It’s not like I’d die without it.

It’s just that I know we’d be better that way;

Eat one and then you won’t doubt it.

It’s round and it’s sticky and filled with delight,

Just gushing with goodness and fat.

Was ever there more of a wondrous sight

Than dough boiled in lard in a vat?

So stuff one down; No: two, three, or four!

There’s plenty for everyone here.

We won’t want them later, though there be more;

They’re better with coffee than beer.

Halve Your Cake and Eat It, Too

She halved the donuts, citing fat

And calories and such.

It worked for me; I simply helped

Myself to twice as much.

I Love You: A Valentine Poem

I love the way you brush your hair

While lying in the bed,

So strands of hair and dandruff drift down

On my resting head.

I love the way you look at me,

When outside in the sun,

With squinting eyes that look so mad it

Makes me want to run.

I love the way you call my name

When I am nowhere near.

The piercing shriek kills wildlife

And fills us all with fear.

I love the way you touch me,

Your caress is always kind.

It’s lucky people cannot see the

Bruises left behind.

I love the way you hug me

With embraces hard and fine.

In fact you squeeze so firmly that

I think you cracked my spine.

I love the way you run to me

When I come in the door.

Although I wish you didn’t knock me

Down onto the floor.

I love you with the whole of me,

With all the love I’ve got.

I love you, most of all,

Because I’m terrified to not.

The Hook

The shower hook

Upon the wall

Is barely on

The wall at all.

In fact, if I

should use the thing

My towel would

Most likely fall.

The situation’s

One I dread;

The tension hurts

Inside my head.

I cannot trust that

Hook held by a

Screw that’s hanging

By a thread.

When There Is A Donut

When there is a donut,

There is nothing wrong at all.

Life could be ruined, people could die,

Nations could crater and fall.

But if there’s a donut, just one single donut,

Then everything’s good as can be;

I open my mouth and suck it all in and

I am a happier me.

Some people might find me vapid,

My philosophy lacking and sad,

But when I taste the warm sugar and fat,

I figure it can’t be that bad.

Everyone has their own weakness,

Their own special thing they adore.

For some it’s true love or power or clothing

Or shopping all day at the store.

For others, it might be fun gadgets,

Or video games played all day long,

And who am I to judge these pursuits,

Or tell everyone that they’re wrong?

But meanwhile, I just need donuts.

In fact, I’ll just have that one.

(And then when I’m done with it, I’ll have another;

This time a cinnamon bun).

So let all the governments fail,

And storms break the Earth’s crust apart;

As long as I have my one single donut,

I’ll also have joy in my heart.

The Great Poets: Dylan Thomas

In this first installment of a series of Great Poets reading some of their classic works, we see Dylan Thomas reading his holiday classic, A Child's Christmas in Wales.

'Twas the Night Before Donut

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a donut was stirring, nor a crumb on a blouse.

The donuts were stacked by the chimney with care,

In hopes that St Nicholas would see them all there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of donuts danced in their heads.

And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I with my donut,

Had just settled our brains for a big winter’s donut.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I instantly ate a big donut from the platter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Then back to the donuts (no need to be rash).

A dozen fresh donuts on a gleaming white plate

Were more interesting than anything else on that date.

But what then happened to surprise all our souls,

A dozen fresh donuts, and eight donut holes.

With a donut old donut, so donut and quick.

I donut in donut, it donut St. Nick.

More donut than donuts his donuts they came

And he donut and donut, and donut by donut.

Donut, donut, donut donut.

Donut, donut, donut donut.

Donut donut, do-o-o-nut,

Donut, donut, donut, donut.

Donut donut donut donut

Donut donut donut donut

Donut donut donut donut

Donut donut donut donut.

Donutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonutdonut.

Donut.

Tastes Great, Less Filling

My heart was filled with joy this morn

Because it's donut day.

But biting into my first choice

Didst fill me with dismay.

My solid donut was not filled

With custard or with cream

Or lemon curd or jelly; it's

A nightmare, not a dream.

When I get a donut with no

Hole upon its middle,

But having only dough inside it

Causes quite a riddle.

The pastry contract clearly states

That donuts must have holes,

Or filling otherwise or they're

Not donuts, but just rolls.

Like coffee with no caffeine or

A goal without a goalie,

A donut with no center and

No filling's just unholy.