Weight for It

When I am King: Exexercise

When I am King...

We will exercise less and eat more.

Common wisdom and dull scientific theory say that exercise helps prolong our lives. So the time that we spend in the gym allows us to live longer and enjoy more time on this planet.

But it this actually true? That is, will we actually enjoy that time?

The problem is that we have to spend the time in the gym in the first place. I don’t know about you, but I don’t actually enjoy my time in the gym. I like having worked out, not working out. So that hour and a half spent pushing pieces of metal around and grunting and sweating is worse than a waste of my time; it’s time that I’m actively not enjoying my time.

While it’s nice that that gym time might actually back-end load more time onto the end of my life, I wonder about the tradeoff.

First, let’s look at the numbers.

I figure I spend, on a “good” week, about six hours exercising. This doesn’t include time that I might get exercise while doing something worthwhile, like walking to a donut shop or climbing stairs because there’s no escalator or elevator handy. This six hours is dead time that I’m spending purely in the pursuit of this activity that I hate, just to stay healthy.

Six hours a week adds up to about 300 hours per year. Assuming about 15 hours per day of physically active time, my workout time amounts to about 20 days per year. Let’s assume I keel over at an overripe age of about 80. I started working out when I was about 20 (after a childhood spent developing a damn good impersonation of a sloth), so that’s 60 working-out years. That means that by the time I’m 80, I’ll have spent nearly 5 years of my life exercising (60 years * 20 days/year = 1800 days ~= 5 years). So unless exercising adds more than 5 years to my lifespan, I’ve lost in the bargain – I’ve gained some time, but I’ve lost more than that amount to a pursuit that I thoroughly detest.

Next, let’s look at the time that we'll gain by being healthy. Exercise isn’t adding any lifespan now; it’s adding it to the end of our lives. You know, that time when we’re less mobile, less happy, less mentally aware, and less employable. Our kids have written us off, our friends have died, and our interest in anything except our latest hip operation have waned. And now we get another few years to live? Oh, boy. I can’t wait.

When I am King, we will exercise less. I’m not saying that you can’t exercise if you want to. I mean, if you actually enjoy going to the gym and grunting and sweating and seeing your fellow gym members primp and preen in front of the mirrors and you like grabbing the cardio machine handles that are dripping with someone else’s bodily fluids, then by all means you should keep doing it. Because you’re enjoying it. You nut. But all of the sane people in the world will wake up and realize that we should enjoy our time more by exercising less and by doing other things instead that are actually fun.

I propose that we all take the time that we would have spent in the gym and spend it doing something we enjoy: eating donuts. We all like donuts, so it’s an irrefutable fact that more time spent eating them will lead to a life well-lived. And since donuts probably help stop up our arteries and cause heart problems, they will actually take away years at the end of our lives. This might seem sad at first. But if you think about it, this means that we will have spent more time eating donuts during a shorter life, so the proportion of our time spent enjoying life will be that much greater, and we will all die happy. Besides, they're just taking away time at the end, which doesn't sound like much fun anyway.

So get off that elliptical dreadmill and have a donut. Or three. You’ll thank me when you’re dead.

When I am King: Fit for a King

When I am King...

We will all be less active and more fit.

I’ve written elsewhere about plans to ensure better exercise and health. And these are important steps, no doubt, because “a fit kingdom is a kingdom that fits” (we’re currently trademarking that phrase).

But I’ve been thinking about it and I’ve come to a new realization that by doing less, we can actually do more. All this exercise, and working out, and sweating, and getting in shape, and trying to stay in shape… - where does it get us? We have no time for anything else in our busy lives, like watching more TV. And to make it worse, we have to work out harder and harder just to try to get the same kind of benefit that used to come from far less activity.

But by careful observation of inactive people, I realized that these slugs have found the answer. These people get very little exercise as a rule. When they finally do something physical, they get a great workout from very little activity. Just walking a hundred yards causes more sweat and heavy breathing than a high school dance.

Think about it: if you sit on the couch watching the tube all day every day, then just the act of getting up to make yourself a sandwich can be a great workout.

When I am King, we’ll all sit around and do nothing. And by so not doing, we’ll enjoy the benefits of exercise in quick workouts such as scratching our nose, or burping.

Sure, these minor workouts like getting up to go to the bathroom will hurt, but it doesn’t sound too bad if it only lasts for a matter of seconds. No more weights, no more cardio machines, no more spinning classes or pole dancing or whatever it is that you do to stay fit. Just sit down, relax, and let atrophy do the work for you. Six weeks of no movement at all, and you’ll be ready for some serious workouts just grabbing beer from the cooler.

And the best part is that putting on more weight will just increase the workout you get. so go ahead: eat that seventh donut! Have another milkshake! It’s all part of the plan.

Oh, Limpy Ad!

In pursuit of the glory
Of the five golden rings
The Olympic atheletes traveled
All the way to Beijings.

To compete in events of
Great strength and skills
Which are really quite hard if
You avoid popping pills.

The feats are all judged by
The scoring selectors,
Choosing winners like great
Human medal detectors.

The runners are racing
And hurdling with pride
And trying to quickly
Get into their stride.

The gymnasts are awesome
As they jump, swing, and strut.
Although they're quite pretty
They could all kick our butt,

On a different note, pole vaulting's
Sure got some studs
Who are jumping for joy
And then landing with thuds.

The volleyball players
Are all soaked in sweat
Which makes for a slimy
And very gross net.

The basketball players
Running fast, fast, and faster
With hoops and great hollers
They court with disaster.

Baseball's a long game with
Three outings an inning.
The team staying wakeful
The longest is winning.

Diving is one sport
Where winners are all.
Everyone finishes thanks to
Gravity's fall.

Swimming is great
For those who don't choke.
What else could be won
While having a stroke?

Boxing is really
A sport with some clout.
Staying conscious is really
What the fight is a-bout.

But what of the sports
That didn't make the bar?
Would nascar drive us crazy?
Is golf not up to par?

Is kickball off base?
Or dodgeball just missed?
Is Scrabble a bored game?
Or is rapping dis'd?

What about other games
That didn't make the cuts?
Do competitive eaters
Not have the guts?

What of beer softball -
Did that also lose?
Would competitive chugging
Get hisses and booze?

Regardless, each four years
Olympians compete
They strive hard and do well
While we watch from our seat.

The harder they try
The more there's to see
So we stay on the couch
As we watch the TV.

But Olympics are more than
Just winning and losing
There's also about us
Watching them and then snoozing.

But maybe someday
We can each be a winner...
Right after the next two
Events and my dinner.

Little Jokes for Monday

My aunt gave me a box of herbs for Christmas. It was an odd gift, since I already have plenty of that in my kitchen. But I guess she figured there's no thyme like the present.

Q: What do you call it when someone seeks forgiveness at the gym for the sin of overeating?
A: Abs-solution

Exercise Your Demons

A friend of mine refuses to exercise because he doesn't like to sweat.
Don't you think that's a pore excuse?

When I am King: Pain Gain

When I am King...

Exercise will be a distant, painful memory.

After long years of tedious exercise, my body and mind are well trained. Now, whenever I have muscle ache, I feel great because it means that I've worked out and have done my body some good. That awful feeling of muscle ache and overall exhaustion must mean that my body is healthier.

Why not cut out the middleman here? Why go to all of the hassle of actually exercising when there are other ways to feel terrible?

Now, I start each day by having my wife sock me in the biceps, with a couple of jabs to the chest, and I feel awfully great the rest of the day. Of course, she gets carried away and sometimes clocks me in the jaw, but I know it's just to make me feel even better. And I've asked her a few times now to quit kicking me in the shins; I guess her aim is off. And stomping on my toes hasn't helped and the pokes in my eyes are getting pretty tiresome after my cornea surgery.

But overall, I'm feeling better now than I've felt in years. No more gym for me, just a few rounds with my wife and I feel great.

When I am King, I will provide a more general solution to the problem. My personal solution obviously can't work for everyone, since my wife can't hit everyone. But there are simple things that we all could do to make ourselves feel better.

For example, there will be devices to wear around your arms and legs that constrict the muscles to make them feel exactly like they had been overworked in the gym. And spray bottles with salty, slight rancid water that you can douse yourself anytime with to give you that feel and taste of having just gotten off the cardio machine. And belts with special pressure-point devices that make you feel like you've pulled your back out with some hard sets on the bench.

We will have a neck support that ensures constrained motion for your head, to simulate having done something awful during weight-lifting. And shoes with special soles that make your feet feel like they have been beaten up by intense running. And my personal favorite, a device inserted into the lungs that ensures that you must take deep breaths to get the oxygen your body needs; this really helps you feel like you've just had a major workout. All day long.

Of couse, for the truly dedicated, there will be certified Personal Painers that specialize in hurting particular spots in your body according to the kind of workout you want to feel like you had.

Working out is so difficult; why bother? With this new approach, our bodies can feel as awful as they would after an intense session at the gym – every single day. And with the extra time that this will free up in our schedules from not having to hit the gym, we can do something more productive and enjoyable with our time. Like eat. After all, we've got to replenish those calories that our bodies feel like they've burned up.

Exercise? No Sweat.

I'm trying to stay in shape, hitting the gym when I can. I'm going to start working on my abs. But instead of going for a six pack, I think I'll aim higher and go for a full keg.

I'm staying clear of the cardiac machines, though.

I just do a few sets of waits.

Then I do some stares. I'm the stare master.

I do some sit ups, then I gotta lie down.

I skip rope. Completely.

I'm working on my flexibility, too; sometimes I hit the gym on Tuesday instead of Monday.