Cheap Eats

I admit it: I'm cheap. So when I go out to a restaurant, I try to spend wisely.

• If I'm feeling spendy, I might order wine, but I always look at the bottom of the wine list. But they could organize these lists better. They always have sections for types of wines, like "Cabernet" and "Vin de Boeuf", or countries, like "Italy" and "Iceland". But I've never found a listing by sealants, like "Corks" and "Screwcaps", or containers, like "Bottle", "Box", and "Paper bag".


• I never look at the chef's specials, which are always more expensive. These items seem particularly silly when the 'specials' are printed permanently in the menu. How special can they be if they were invented 5 years ago by the owner? You think the chef actually enjoys making these? "Oh goody, someone ordered the duck! Let's make this one special!"


• I never order a side salad. What's 'side' about it when it costs as much as an entree? I might as well double-up on my main dish for that price.

So I'm pretty excited about my new idea. I've come up with a theory for how to eat the best food in the world and never pay a dime for it. I haven't tried it out yet, but I'm pretty sure it'll work:

• Find a restaurant that you absolutely love, the pricier the better. The main restrictions are:
  
  
  
  • it has to serve food that you could eat over and over
  
  
  • it has to be open all day, every day
  
  
• Order a fabulous meal. Whatever you want. Spare no expense. Even order a side salad.


• Take a long time eating that meal.


• Take so long eating that meal that it's time for the next meal.


• Repeat until you die.

The key is that if you never leave, they'll never bring you the bill. So you never have to pay.

I can't try it out now because I have stuff to do. But if you try it, let me know how it goes. If I don't hear from you, I'll assume that it worked.