If Girlfriends Were Like Phone Companies

Going out with Jenny has been fine, but you really need to move on. You thought you were compatible during that early, blissful phase of the relationship when you passed out drunk on her floor every night, but since sobering up you realized that she's, well, dull. And mean. And dating at least five other guys that you know about.

So it's finally time to call her and end it.
them: [Ring... ring … ring … Click!]

you: Hi, Jenny, it’s me. I -

them: I apologize for the delay. A representative will be here momentarily to assist you. In the meantime, I will hum for you.

you: … Um, Jenny?

them: [Hum, hum, hummmmm...]
Hello, and thank you for calling Jenny today!

you: Hi, can you tell Jenny I want to break up -

them: Por españoles, por favor presione el número dos

you: Uh...

them: For assistance in English, please press or say “one”

you: one?

them: Are you calling to ask about Jenny’s shoe size?

you: nooooo...

them: Okay. What can I help you with today? Say a phrase, such as “Is Jenny free for a date this Friday?” or “What is Jenny’s favorite restaurant?”

you: I want to break up with Jenny

them: What was that? Did you say “Jenny’s Spring Break photos?”

you: NO

them: Let’s try that again. Try a phrase such as, “Send Jenny a dozen roses” or “Apologize for not noticing Jenny’s new hair style”

you: BREAK. UP.

them: Sorry, I’m still not getting it. Try spelling it out on the keypad. For example, the letter A is entered by hitting the 2 key, followed by the 1 key. The letter B is entered by hitting the 2 key twice. The letter Q is entered by hitting 7, then 4, then 9 three times in a row. Try it now.

you: [pause], 2 [pause] 2. [Spend several minutes entering the rest of the numbers for ‘break up’]

them: Did you enter the word "bickerbot"?

you: NO

them: It's still not making sense to me. Are you using a rotary dial? If yes, say or spin the dial from “one” now.

you: No

them: great. Now, what did you call about today?


them: I’m not sure I understood that. Was that “Argyle sweater size”?

you: no

them: I'll get a customer service representative for you. One moment please...
[more humming ... Click!]

Hello kind sir, my name is ‘Gary’ and I have the honor of being your most excellent customer service representative today. How are you feeling this fine evening, sir?

you: um, fine

them: That is wonderful to hear, sir. And what may I help you with this evening?

you: I want to break up with Jenny.

them: Excellent. I will try my best to help you with that request. Please hold for a moment while I bring up your account information.

them: [more humming...]
Here it is sir. I see that you have been going out with Jenny for just over 3 years

you: I guess so

them: And now you wish to end the relationship, is that right sir?

you: Yes

them: Ah, that’s too bad sir. May I ask what the reason is?

you: Um, it’s just not working out?

them: I’m sorry to hear that sir. I will put “customer's inadequacy” in the form.

you: what?

them: are you certain that we cannot convince you otherwise?

you: no, I just want to end it.

them: I see sir. But first let me tell you about some specials that might help you change your mind.

you: I -

them: First, we have a two-for-one special this month only. It appears that Jenny’s roommate Barbara is also available, and you may date her at no extra cost for the first six months.

you: No, I -

them: Also, I see you are a customer who has been in good standing with Jenny for a long time. We have a ClientCare(TM) program available especially for you. In this program, you will accumulate Reward Points toward future transgressions, or you can spend them at birthdays, Valentines day, or other holidays during which you would normally spend too much money keeping Jenny happy. No longer, sir - just log on and spend some of your accumulated Reward Points to keep the relationship in good standing.

you: Really, I just -

them: Also, I see that Jenny has recently purchased a large, desirable present for you. You have a birthday coming up, I presume?

you: Yeah, but -

them: Just for calling us today, we will double that present and get you two of whatever it is.

you: No really, I -

them: Finally, I have my manager’s approval to add one more item to this growing and amazing list.

you: Er...

them: If you agree to stay with Jenny for just one more month, with no further obligation, we will not forward your complaint to her and she will not have her brother Ted come over and beat the living crap out of you. Guaranteed! So what about it sir? Wouldn’t you like to stay with this relationship a little longer and avoid joining the ranks of the sad, single men? I see that the area you live in has a much higher proportion of single men than women, and that you are not, if I may be so presumptuous, of an age to get into another relationship very easily, especially given your weight, IQ, and income level. Statistically speaking, it is more likely that you will kill yourself in a depressed, drug-induced haze than that you will find yourself in a happy relationship anytime in the next five years. So why not give Jenny another try?

you: No. I’m out. That’s it. It’s over. Kaput. Dead. I want it done. NOW.

them: I see sir. Well, I will see what I can do to help. First, I need to schedule a time for Jenny to come pick up her equipment at your house, for which there will be a $295.00 early-termination charge, as per your service contract.

you: What?!

them: I see we have an opening next week, from Monday-Wednesday, between the hours of 6am and midnight.

you: Uh, do you have any smaller window?

them: No, I’m sorry sir. We do have a two-day slot next year in July if you’d prefer.

you: No, next week is great. Come get her stuff.

them: Great sir. I will schedule that. Oh, I see here that we cannot process break-up transactions at this time. Please call back during normal business hours. It has been a pleasure to help you sir. Have a good evening.
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