When I am King: Cover Story

When I am King...

New clothing fashions will sport even more unattractive body parts.

I love recent fashion advances, especially those in waistlines and shoes.

Waistlines have been slowly creeping down our backsides so that we now get to witness displays of bodily flesh that wasn't meant to be seen outside of a doctor's office or a morgue. I'm not saying that this area is universally unattractive; there must be 2 or perhaps 3 people in the world who have waists that would make this look sexy.

Meanwhile, shoes have lost their shoe-ness. Many people now sport sandals and flip-flops at work, showing everyone their toe details. There's a reason we're born with shoes on our feet and socks under the shoes as a failsafe measure; toes are not attractive. And unlike waistlines, nobody has good-looking toes.

But the problem is not that we've gone this far, but that we haven't gone far enough. If you're just a little bit off, it's creepy. But if you're way off the deep-end, it's trendy.

When I am King, new, bold fashions will be created to expose more parts of the body that have been safely under wraps so far. In fact, these new clothing styles will hide the attractive parts of our bodies in order to emphasize the uncovered portions even more.

Shirts will be produced that bare guts exactly where the love handles begin. Face masks will be required that have holes only for large noses and hairy eyebrows. Hats with holes for bald spots will be popular, and comb-overs will be outlawed. Pants with holes showing knobby knees will be the rage. Ear supports that push the ears out of their hiding and extend them like Dumbo in flight will be worn by all. Clipping nose and ear hair will be illegal and salons will spring up that specialize in braiding and dying of these peripheral locks. Glasses will be modified to magnify the corners of our eyes, showing that rheumy bit around the tear duct and the cascades of red veins that are otherwise sadly hidden from view.

It's not good enough that today's clothes make us all look slightly unattractive; we need to push it much further and look so awful that we all start appreciating each other's inner beauty instead. Because it's gotta be better than what we see.