When I am King: Forget Family Values

When I am King...

Remember to forget. Always.

I am the perfect spouse. My wife may not actually come out and say it, but I know it's true.

Let's face it: when you get to be my age, and when you've been married as long as I have (it feels like a couple of decades - holy crap, it is!) the novelty of a relationship is pretty much gone. I'm not saying that you get bored, but you're not exactly waking up in the morning wondering what your partner is going to look like today, or what they're going to have for breakfast, or whether they're going to lay into you for not picking up the clothes you dumped on the floor last night.

But I would like to share the perfect key to long-term relationships; I can't remember a damn thing. My memory's so short I can't even remember to.

When it comes to marriage, this nuance is exactly the kind of spark you need to keep the excitement alive. On my end, everything my wife does is a constant novelty. It may not be all that cute when she flosses her teeth, but at least it's new to me.

And on her side, it's even better. Women love telling stories, getting into the nitty-gritty details of who did what and what she said when that other one did this other thing and how that makes her feel and how does it make me feel and ARE YOU LISTENING?! and what are we going to do for dinner tonight and when are the kids going to bed and how is our daughter's school project going and...

There are few things more anti-climactic than having someone tell you "I've heard this one before". Well, my wife never hears that from me. It's all new, every time. So when she's got this great story that she enjoys telling, she can tell it over and over again, always to a brand new audience. Me.

Sure, I'm probably not the most exciting guy to hang around with for a lifetime. But at least our relationship always feels fresh and new. And I am fairly confident that she's not going out having affairs just for something new. Or at least if she is having an affair, I certainly don't remember knowing about it.

I would like to share this gift of forgetfulness with my citizens. Why just talk about Family Values when we can medically enforce them? Everyone will be given an exam to test their memory; those passing it will require surgery. Pills may seem like a more convenient mechanism, but remembering to take them can be tricky.