When I am King: Big Toys

When I am King...

Children's toy sizes will be big. Really big.

It's that time of year again; the holidays are finally over. The dead tree sits out at the curb waiting for that magical week when the garbage company decides it's time for pickup. The relatives have all packed up and gone home, leaving behind spoiled children and palettes of empty wine bottles. The gutters are full of leaves and reindeer poop.

And pieces from all of the new kids' toys litter the house, causing puncture wounds with every step.

Toymakers seem to delight in providing toys that consist of an infinite number of tiny pieces. Once the package is opened, entropy ensues, the pieces distribute themselves over an area roughly the size of your house, and the toy becomes unusable. Meanwhile, small pieces with filed-sharp edges embed themselves in carpets, in tile, and flesh.

In my kingdom, children can only be given toys whose pieces are at least as big as the children themselves. This will ensure that:

• Pieces of toys will not magically appear underfoot
• Toys will not be moved around the house at will, as the toys will be too large for the children to shift without a forklift
• The new toy law will obviate the current “when can we get rid of this?” quandary that parents find themselves in. As soon as the child grows larger than a toy, you can safely chuck it; “Sorry, Jimmy; it's the law.”

Children's toys such as Legos, jacks, and razor blades will become things of the past. Kids will naturally migrate to playing with things like pianos, kitchen suites, and Hummers. Sure, an ocean liner will be in the way around the house, but at least you would see it before you stepped on it.