When I am King: Getting Warm, Staying Cool

When I am King...

Global warming will be hastened to improve life in cold climates.

I woke up this morning to 24 degree temperatures. (This is in Fahrenheit, of course. We in the U.S. were promised an upgrade to the Celsius system years ago, around the same time we were told that the phone would be replaced by the video phone and that Disco was hip).

I realize that many people in the world might think that this temperature is normal for January. Or even warm.

Not in California. We live in a state where "coat" means a layer of paint, where "scarf" means to eat a croissant quickly, where "parka" is something you can never get your SUV to do without 3 spaces free on either side, and where "hat" means, well, hat. But not a very warm one.

24 degrees here is killing-cold. We have people in apartments here kept alive only by the ambient heat of their latte. Crops worth the GNP of entire planets are dying by the pot-load. The state's reserves of gasoline are running out as people spend 20 minutes every morning just warming up their cars. And many of these people are dying of carbon monoxide poisoning since they are pre-warming their cars inside closed garages (hey, we can't even think straight at this temperature).

What I want to know is: Where's this "Global Warming" I've heard so much about? When is it going to help me? These experts go on and on about how horrible it is for the planet. Their point seems reasonable in the middle of summer when it's too dang hot and the only way you can cool down is to keep gulping a constant stream of Frappes until your head pops off. But right about now, I could use some of that destructive power of warmth.

Apparently, use of appliances like Air Conditioning is supposed to bring on Global Warming even faster. But don't buy it; I've been running my A/C all day and it's colder now in my house than it was when I woke up.

When I take the throne, I will do what I can to speed up global warming, especially for the cold season. This policy will be matched with one to provide Global Cooling in the summertime. It is not clear how to achieve this more ambitious goal, but experts suggest that leaving refrigerator doors open for extended periods could help. And kiddie pools. Lots of kiddie pools.
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