If you’re reading this, it must mean that the Rapture happened and I’m now in a better place and that, well, you’re not. But hey, it’s not that big a deal. I mean, you still have burgers down here, and I’m not sure we even have cows where I’ve gone to. And how much harp music do you really want to hear every day?
Anyway, please enjoy the rest of eternity. Perhaps reading my book
will help pass the time and help you forget that you just weren't quite good enough. Or maybe it was just a clerical error; it was a really big project getting everyone together, try to have a little sympathy if they messed up on some of the details.
But alas, ‘twas not meant to be. It looks like I was left behind.
I’m sure they meant to take me, just like that girls in high school that meant to call me. And the women in college. And my wife. It’s just that people forget, right? And so do Gods, apparently. I mean, he made us in his image and all.
So here I am, wondering what to do with the rest of my life. Everything I’ve done to date was leading up to that single moment when I got to take the back exit and get away from all of life’s obligations. Now I have to actually do my job, pay my mortgage, communicate with my family - will the torture ever end?
The first thing to do, obviously, is to prepare for the next Rapture, just in case there’s a chance to hitch a ride next time around. You never know when these things are going to happen, Superior Beings being the busy people they are and all. The memos just don’t get around in time. You don’t want to be excluded from the party just because you didn’t see the invite, right? So it’s best to be prepared. Here are some tips for staying ready:
- Stay packed: Remember that carry-on bag you packed on Friday? Keep it packed. You might switch out the book you packed, because you were probably in the middle of it and you’d like to finish it. Besides, the library probably wants it back, now that you’re still on Earth and all. So switch it out with something timeless and long, like Anna Karenina. Or an encyclopedia; you never know if there might be a quiz on facts on words in the range of Ce to Di when you get up there. If you don’t pass the test, it’s an awfully long way back down.
- Keep your eyes on the skies: If you see crowds of people wafting up into the clouds, that’s probably a sign that it’s time. Either that, or jetpacks have made it to the consumer market, finally, and commuting will get a whole lot more fun.
- Watch your weight: In case there’s a weight limit, you want to make sure you’re under it. The Bible was very sketchy on travel details, but it can’t hurt to play it safe.
- Unpack: You ain’t going anywhere for a long time, and you’re going to need that toothbrush. Brimstone has a habit of sticking in the teeth.
- Return your library books: It was okay to tell yourself that you didn’t have time to return that stack of overdue books when you were preparing to be lifted up into the clouds for eternity. But now that you’re here to stay, you’d better get them back to the stacks. Those librarians can make your life Hell on Earth.
- Hydrate: If the Rapture actually did happen and these are the End of Days, then it could get a bit hot down here. Drink plenty of liquids; it’s so easy to get dehydrated in the fires of eternal damnation. You’ve already lost your soul; you don’t want to also lose your health.