When I am King: Resolution Resolution

When I am King...

New Year's Resolutions will be achievable.

I've written about this before, but have completely forgotten what I said, so it is worth sounding off on the topic again.

New Year's Resolutions stink. They give us hope that we're actually better people than we truly are. They make us work trying to achieve goals that are way beyond our capabilities. And perhaps most importantly, they make us feel worse in the long run because we will eventually fail to meet these goals. We won't get in shape, we won't lose that weight, and we won't keep hitting the gym: we'll just keep being the mediocre person we are because, well, that's who we are.

I think that we all have enough things to feel bad about in our society, between global warming, general international animosity, and the popularity of the Jerry Springer show. Do we really need to add to it with manufactured guilt trips stemming from not achieving inherently unachievable goals?

When I am King, I'll mandate resolutions that are reachable. Citizens will have the choice between not picking a resolution at all and choosing a resolution that they not only can, but will meet. This way, there will never be any fallout from not meeting lofty and artificial goals.

Here are some sample resolutions that I considered for myself this year, to illustrate the kinds of resolutions that I find most helpful:

• I resolve not to trip the Pope
• I resolve to not double my weight
• I resolve to not stuff chocolate up my nose
• I resolve to not take a swing at a Pararazzi
• I resolve to not do ski jumps off my roof into a dumpster full of broken glass
• I resolve to not have the kids falsely convicted and sent to a juvenile delinquency home just to avoid the cost of daycare
• I resolve to not skip rope with razor wire
• I resolve to not play laser tag with a death ray
• I resolve to not frost birthday cakes with fresh dog poop

Those are all pretty good resolutions: they are understandable, worth satisfying, and within my limited power to achieve. I may use them in future years. For 2009, here is the resolution that I chose:

I resolve to not make any New Year's Resolution.