Crisis Mode

CRISIS IN MIDLIFE

World Leaders Unite. Bush Declares War.

(This text was the background script for a standup gig I di; that video is posted in a later entry here)

I'm thinking about starting my midlife crisis. I figure it's a good time for having one. I'm 42, so if this is mid-way through my life then I'll die when I'm 84. I thought about having one when I was 21, but it's a good thing I didn't since I'd be dead now.

Wouldn't it be nice if you could plan when your midlife crisis would happen? But it's just something that starts when it feels like it and keeps dragging on and on and on. Like a public radio membership drive. Or puking.

Why does someone even have a midlife crisis? Everything may be going very well in life:

• You may be happily married. For the second or third time.
• You may have kids. They may even not hate you. Yet.
• You may feel very healthy and completely unaware of your terminal illness.

But we get bored with success. We feel the need to just screw it all up. Like "New Coke". Or Britney Spears's career.

There are usually three ways that people go about it:

1. You can change your partner
2. You can change your stuff
3. You can change your self

Option #1: Change your partner

I don't know where you stand on the issue, but I envy all of those people having clandestine affairs. I mean, think of their awesome time management skills!

Where would I fit in an affair? Or even a quickie? Maybe I could manage it if I could figure out how to do it over Intimate Messaging.

But regardless, my wife would certainly find out, and then she'd kill me. Then it would be an end-of-life crisis, which isn't what I was after.

Option #2: Change your stuff

This usually entails getting a ridiculously expensive sports car, in a desperate attempt to look cooler than we actually are.

I could drive home in some new expensive sports car like a friend of mine, who spent his wife's kitchen remodel money on a new BMW Z3. Then six months later, he drove home in a new Z4, with the Z3 still sitting in his driveway.

At this point, he should have considered going for both options 1 and 2 and driven home with a new wife, because his previous wife situation wasn't working for him anymore.

I personally couldn't go the car route. For one thing, I'm too cheap. Why buy a convertible when I could get the same effect for free by just messing up my hair and squishing some bugs on my forehead?

But more importantly, I couldn't because my wife would kick the crap out of me for wasting so much money.

Option #3: Change your self

There are a few things I could do here:

• I could go radical and have a sex change. But frankly, I think I'd make a really ugly girl. I wouldn't even go out with me.
• I could change my appearance. I could get glasses. Wait - I'm a programmer; I already have glasses. I am that cool already...
• I could change the inner me.

I'm opting for changing the inner me. I'm going to get a little dark and subversive. I'm going to get into leather, and studs, and piercings. And then bondage and S&M.

I figure, my wife's going to hit me anyway. I may as well enjoy it.