5/09/2007

When I am King: Family Jewels

When I am King...

Jewelery chain owners will be forced to hire actors to hock their rocks.

It's that time of year again: Mothers Day is closing in on us like we're covered in blood and swimming in a shark pool. Television, radio, and the Web are full of ads that make us feel terribly guilty and then offer an easy out: Go Out right Now And Buy Stuff For Her. Whoever she is.

Of course, Mothers Day is just a thin excuse for the commercialism. The same dynamic exists throughout the year for other reasons: Christmas, Valentines Day, birthdays, Flag Day, and so on.

But of all of the terrible ads we suffer, by far the worst offender is anything from the diamond guy.

[said in nasalized tone, like an accountant with a cold, speaking through a kazoo filled with mayonnaise]
“Hi. I'm John Blane. Mothers Day is coming up, and a diamond is the perfect gift for that special woman in your life. Blah blah ... Amsterdam ... blah ... Quality ... price ... blah ... love ... blah ... mother of your children ... blah ... good husbands buy diamonds ... blah ... I'm John Blane.”

I'm talking about a specific person and company in the area where I live, but I've lived in enough other places that I am certain that a similar person exists everywhere, dealing the same awful ads like crack laced with Drano. In fact, it could actually be the same person everywhere using a pseduonym to escape prosecution.

Somehow, this guy was so successful selling expensive pebbles that he decided he would also be great at voice-overs. It's not that he makes me want to not buy diamonds from him. He makes me want to stomp on the radio until its ground into the pavement, then spray lighter fluid on it and watch it melt into the firmament. Then find him and repeat.

Jewelers simply should not be actors. They just don't have the personality for it. Actors don't either, but at least they can fake it. Jewelers may not have the personality for jewelering either, but at least if they're in a back room cutting stones I don't have to care. Do us all a favor and Get the Hell Out of Our Ears.

Meanwhile, I haven't figured out what to be guilted into buying for Mothers Day. But I wouldn't buy a diamond from this guy if my wife depended on it.
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