5/23/2007

When I am King: A Clip-On Life

When I am King...

I love flip-on sunglasses. They're saying “Hey, I'm here when they need me! And I don't care how they look!”

The moment the Sun threatens to shine, BAM!, down come the shades, faster than you can say "Don't those things make your glasses top-heavy?"

They're so convenient, in fact, that I would like to extend the idea to other facets of life. Why limit this handiness at the cost of attractiveness to our sight? Why let only the eyes have it?

Here are some thoughts on other items to consider:

  • pants: How many times have you been out at lunch and spilled your drink, or your meal, or radioactive waste on your pants? You excuse yourself to the bathroom and try to wash it off, but it never works; you're just left with a large wet spot that makes people think you made yourself wet in the bathroom instead, which is worse.
    What about a pair of clip-on pants, attached at the side of your current pants? One minute later, and you emerge from the bathroom a clean, dry guy.
  • shoes: Life is so varied and unpredictable, yet we only get one split-second in the morning to decide which single pair of shoes we're going to need for the whole day. We put on our dress shoes, only to find ourselves running in a marathon at lunch, or wishing for flipflops at the beach. Or we put on our sneakers, and that afternoon the CEO wanders into our office.
    Clip-on shoes will solve this problem, by allowing us to have an alternate pair with us at all times. As our marketing folks say, "Two left feet never felt so right."
  • hat: Most days, you probably don't wear a hat. But then you're walking around on a hot afternoon, and wish you'd worn a cap. Or getting drenched in the rain and wishing you'd brought something to keep your hair dry. Or traveling in Texas and wishing you could wear a cowboy hat bigger than your car.
    Clip-on hats are just the thing; they hang by your hair and can be snapped into place on a moment's notice.
  • umbrella: These things are so horribly inconvenient that I never bring one anywhere, which means I generally get soaked on rainy days. Alternatively, if I did bring one on suspect days, I'm sure I would just lose it somewhere.
    Clip-on umbrellas hang conveniently down your back, just like the long swords of yore, ready at all times to provide you with critical rain protection.
  • toilet: You never know when you're going to need to use the toilet, nor what shape the throne will be in when you get there. What about a clip-on toilet seat attached to your pants that you could put in place at a moment's notice?
    Options will include an entire clip-on toilet, for those occasions when you need the extra convenience. Current marketing campaigns include catchy slogans like, “Perfectly Portable Potty: For wherever you go.”

There are many other fantastic clip-on devices that our scientists are working on, but these should give you a small taste for how darned convenient our lives will become.

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