Pluto Tossed on his Asteroid

Pluto Tossed on his Asteroid

Chet Haase, 8/24/06 Scientists today decided that Pluto is no longer a planet. After billions of years of galactic harmony, this distant rock was summarily chucked out of our solar system. Our star reporter caught up with Earth and talked with her about the situation. "We've had good times over the millenia, there's no deyning it," said the mother planet. "I mean, it all started with the Big Bang, and that was just heavenly. "But the relationship was getting old and it was time to call it quits. There were a few ongoing issues that I just got tired of dealing with, and it didn't look like they were going to change anytime soon. For one thing, Pluto's, well, small. And that's not always a bad thing. But sometimes size matters, and this was one of those times. Also, his orbit's a bit, well, irregular. Frankly, he's a bit elliptical. I just kept running circles around him. "But the final straw was that Pluto is just too cold and distant for me. I'd even call him frigid. And I'm not talking brisk; we're measuring his temperature in Kelvin. The cold intellectual thing is fun occasionally, but eventually I get tired of always having to break the ice.

"So it's over. We're still good friends, of course. And we still run in the same circles so we'll pass each other by now and then. But it's a done deal in my book." When asked what the future was, Earth smiled and turned starry-eyed. "After this long plutonic relationship, I think I'm ready for something new. I've had my eye on Mercury for a while, although he might be a bit too hot for me. I wouldn't even mind playing around on the wild side; I have a call into Venus to see where she's at this time of year." Meanwhile, Pluto wasn't as happy with the new arrangement. He was asked how he felt about his new classification as a 'dwarf planet': "'Planet of small stature,' please. And I don't think size matters a bit. I can't point fingers, but Earth's a bit tilted on her axis. For one thing, we didn't have an exclusive thing; I've been going around with lots of planets for years. "As far as my irregular orbit, that's a personal matter between me and my astrophysician. We can't tell what the future holds for this couple, but for now it seems that Pluto is lost in space.

Copyright 2006, Chet Haase. All Rights
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