Award to the Wise

Here’s an award speech I’d like to see:


"First of all, I’d like to thank the academy, because it’s in my contract.

Secondly, I want to thank my parents. I’m sure they didn’t mean to leave me at that rest stop in Ohio when I was a small boy. But it was because of that chance abandonment that I was forced to seek refuge in the local forest and live on berries and small sticks, eventually being adopted and raised by a family of squirrels. It was that experience that gave me the courage, confidence, and strength of character that made me the vapid, shallow person you see before you. Mom and Dad, wherever you are, know that I will never forget you like you forgot me.

I also want to thank my adoptive family, the squirrels. I only wish they could have been here tonight to be with me. But sadly, they are no longer with us. It was a cold, hard winter one year and I had to eat them.

I want to thank the guy that used to mow my lawn. It was watching him work, week after week, cutting the grass, blowing the leaves, pruning the fence posts, that convinced me that I never wanted to really work for a living. And here I am.

Of course I’d like to thank the director, the producer, and the writers, all of whom worked tirelessly to make my character more important than all of the other characters in the film. Without those efforts, I would have just been another actor in the film instead of the guy standing up here.

I’d also like to thank the other actors, but I forget their names and never liked them anyway.

And finally, I want to thank you. Without an audience, I would just be a guy standing up in front of a camera, waving to an empty room. As Shakespeare once said, according to my speechwriter, “All the world’s a stage.” But if you weren’t out there on your audience stage, I couldn’t be up here on my stage stage, and it would be a boring play indeed, especially for me.

Thank you!"