Hellephone: An Ode
For those who wish to follow along at home:
Is music-on-hold a measured response?
Does it harmonize more than it’s helping?
Do answering systems with options galore
Leave us screaming and drooling and yelping?
I usually feel like I’ll never escape,
Spending life in an infinite loop.
Surely Hell does not have tortures worse than this pile
Of infuriating, telephony poop.
“Press one for a menu with more number options,
Press two if you’re feeling bold.
Press three if you want to repeat these choices,
Press four for music-on-hold.
Press five if you want to record a message
Press six if, instead, you do not.
Press seven if you want the menu in Swedish,
Press eight if in Cypriot.
Press nine in emergency; this will connect you
To menus read out much more quickly.
Press zero to hang up; you can call back later,
When you’re feeling a little less prickly.
If none of these options appear to be yours
Perhaps you just dialed for fun.
We’ll hang up now, and thank you for calling
The hotline at 9-1-1.”