Little Jokes for Monday

My aunt gave me a box of herbs for Christmas. It was an odd gift, since I already have plenty of that in my kitchen. But I guess she figured there's no thyme like the present.

Q: What do you call it when someone seeks forgiveness at the gym for the sin of overeating?
A: Abs-solution

When I am King: Laundry Overload

When I am King...

There will be less laundry to do.

If there is one thing that is inevitable in life, besides death, acne, and sprouting hair from the wrong places, it's that there is more and more laundry to do.

It's not that we wear more clothes as we get older. And it's not that we get any dirtier. In fact, apart from "Mud Wrestling Mondays" at the office, I rarely get 'dirt' on my clothes at all.

But somehow, there's just more and more to wash. It's like the single socks multiply and give birth to shirts and jeans and pillowcases.

And once you feel like you're getting the upper-hand on your loads, you have children and it just falls apart. Now, instead of feeling like there's always another load to do, there's just a constant stream of loads; into the washer, into the dryer, onto the kid, and back into the washer.

It's become a laundry overload, the detergentrification of our entire society. There has to be an end to it.

When I am King, there will be less to wash.

One simple approach is that we all get used to the color brownish-pink (my color consultants suggest we start with a new name, brink), and then we can wash all of our clothes together without bothering to separate them into different color loads.

But while this technique would save time and effort, it doesn't save on the huge amount of clothes that simply need to be washed. Therefore, I propose a more radical solution, where we incorporate laundry into our daily lives.

It's a vicious spin cycle: we put on some clothes, wear them around, take them off, put them into the laundry, and put on other clothes. Meanwhile, we take showers and spend most of our lives sitting around. We should combine all of these activities more effectively.

I propose that we wear the same clothes all of the time, replacing them only when they're falling off in shreds anyway. When we shower, we will be washing our clothes at the same time. And when we're sitting around all day at the office in meetings, we'll be air-drying our clothes.

Those in cold climates may not be able to use this approach since their clothes would freeze solid instead of drying. In these places, people should simply avoid showering for the winter months. This is actually what hibernation is all about; animals don't like bathing when it's cold outside and they all find places to sleep where they can't smell each other for the duration.

Some may want to start wearing clothes that are comfortable all of the time. For example, I would find my jeans and button-down shirts uncomfortable to sleep in, so I plan to start wearing my Spidey jammies to work instead.

For the kids, I propose a different solution; we will have washing machines that can double as little rooms. These little places will be just right for sleeping and, each morning, they will send the kids through a wash cycle that both wakes them up and cleans them up for school. A side benefit to these new machines is that the water-proof door doubles as an excellent sound barrier for the odd screaming fit.

We're sick of all of laundry; let's wash our hands of it.

I Wonder: Naughty Bits

I wonder:

Does all that email spam about Viagra keep you up at night?

If you had to undress for an audition, could you bare it?

Should steak restaurants be called strip joints?

When I am King: City Spectacles

When I am King...

New glasses will be available for city folks.

Anyone who's walked around in a city knows that you really don't want to see what's around you. For example, you don't want to see the details of that viscous shiny puddle you nearly stepped in. And you don't want to meet anyone's eye unless you want to be panhandled, hit, propositioned, or asked to take some picture of a tourist smiling in front of a random building or homeless person.

We all have our coping mechanisms to work around these difficulties.

You have to look where you're stepping because you'd prefer not to step in the stuff you don't want to see. But maybe you squint your eyes a bit, to avoid taking in too much detail.

Meeting the eyes of those around us is a harder one. We're born with instincts that compel us to look others in the eye. Even a baby that's not yet old enough to start disrespecting you and asking for weekly allowance knows how to lock you into a stare. It's some weird combination of a test of wills (that damn baby wins every time) and a plea for sympathy (the baby has none; just a lot of spit-up). Besides our instinct to look at others, we also don't want to completely ignore the nuts around us in case one of them is holding a knife or a coupon for a free cup of coffee.

But we must fight our nature to lock eyes with anyone. Or if we do happen to meet anyone's eyes by mistake, we need to quickly look away, as if we were only looking in that direction because we thought that glop of goo in the corner of their eye was a shiny quarter to pick up. So we shift our glance away suddenly and look down at the sidewalk to try to avoid the next phlegm puddle or dead body.

Pretty soon, we're walking down the street squinting and jerking our eyes from thing to thing as we shamble along, hoping nobody notices us, looking exactly like the people we're trying to avoid in the first place.

When I am King, technology will once again come to the rescue. Just as its already done for pollution, global warming, world hunger, and acne, technology will save us from our city trials. My ministry will introduce the new City Spectacles that will simplify our lives dramatically. No longer will you see things you didn't want to see on the sidewalk, or meet the eyes of those in need of just a little compassion; these glasses will make both of these trials a breeze.

For the sidewalk-viewing portion, the glasses will introduce the new "Fuz-Coat" filters that will blur everything just enough so that you can see that something is there, but you can't tell exactly what it is.

Before	After

Blurring is not enough to ward off stranger danger; you're blurred eyes probably just look like they feel. To do this, we've introduced our new "Crazy-Eyez" feature, that makes each eye look as if it's looking somewhere else entirely. Not only does this convince the person you're looking at that your eyes are not looking in their direction, but because your eyes aren't aligned with each other, they won't want to approach you at all.

Before	After

Prototypes are still being tested, but look forward to having these. You really can not see the difference!

Two Pie Har

Apparently, today is PI day. Makes sense, given today's date and all (hint: it's March 14th...).

I figured some related jokes would be just desserts.


Q: What do you call a city park filled with beautiful desserts?
A: Pie art square

Q: How big is the backside of someone that eats too much dessert?
A: Two-pie arse

Q: What's the circumference of a pirate ship?
A: 2 Pi Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Corporate Survival Guide: The New Guy

Starting out at a new job is one of the most important things you will ever do at the company, right up there with remembering to zip up before you exit the bathroom (known as "The Zip Code") and not throwing up at staff meetings.

Having recently changed jobs, I can speak with recent and deep experience about the best strategy to adopt during this turbulent yet critical period in one's career. There are several facets of life at a new company for today's Corporate Warrior; I'll go through them one by one so that we don't lose count.

Suck it up: all the way up

I can't stress this enough; sucking up is the single-most important technique in every company since Man first climbed down from the trees to form a limited-liability corporation.

But there's a twist in today's Corporate Battlefield; sucking up isn't just about your boss anymore.

It used to be that you'd do anything for your boss. And I mean anything. Here are some classic no-fail strategies:

• Lick-shine their shoes. This works best if you do it while the shoes are being worn. In fact, if you can squeeze yourself under your boss's desk, you'll have the opportunity to do it whenever they return to their office from their important meetings.
  
• Walk their dog. If they don't own a dog, rent or steal a dog and walk it instead.
  
• Dry-clean their laundry. Sometimes this incredible convenience is too much of a bother since they may still be wearing their clothes. If you cannot trick them out of their outfit, consider dry-cleaning your clothes instead and giving them to your boss, or just buying them a new set of clothes completely. You should already have their size and color preferences tattooed on your person; if not, get that information and make the tattoo appointment now.

In the old days, you would do anything to convince your boss that You were Theirs. In return, they would condescend to wipe their feet on you if you happened to be in a convenient location, and might one day even remember your name.

But things have changed dramatically since those dark days of corporate life; it's now the enlightened world of the 21st century, and companies have adjusted accordingly. Of course, you still do all that old stuff; it's rock-solid Corporate Warrior strategy. But you not only do it for your boss; you also do it for everyone above your boss. In today's "open door" corporation, you have complete access to the entire management chain and can feel free to suck up like a Roomba with an infinite charge, right to the top.

Get to know your co-workers. Sorta.

It's always good to ingratiate yourself with your new team. And by "new team" I mean, of course, those people whom you plan to leave behind as you advance up the corporate ladder.

It's good to become friends with these people, since they will be your support network as you learn the ropes at work. But it's also good to remember the warrior's mantra, "These people will be working for me one day," and to let that influence your every action.

Do they invite you when going to lunch? Great! That's a wonderful sign. You should accept immediately and join them. But as you pass your boss's office, you suddenly 'remember' that you had a critical meeting or assignment that you must finish, and beg off the lunch, apologizing and promising that you'll join them 'soon, right?' You'll be hungry at this point, but suffer through it, or if absolutely necessary, go into the bathroom stall and pack down some toilet paper until you feel like you don't need anything else (this usually takes me only a sheet or two). The respect and mystery that you will garner from such actions will earn you several times what they cost you in terms of stress, hunger, and gastro-intestinal surgery for toilet paper removal.

This dedication to work, even through arduous self-sacrifice of lunchtime starvation, will be seen among the ranks of executives as nothing less than a tireless devotion to corporate goals and bureaucratic excellence.

Eat right, meat right

Any new situation in life, such as a new job or hemorrhoids, means stress on the body and the mind. It’s particularly important to treat the body right by eating well during this tense period.

Apart from the lunches you must avoid (see above), you should eat meals consisting only of meat, lard, and juices made from blood. Plus a pinch of salt.

"You are what you eat," as a great man(anager) once said. And what he meant was this: If you eat salad, you're going to act like a salad-eater. If you're a vegan or other non-meat-eating freak, then you're going to come across to your boss and co-workers as a complete "I don't know how to be a human because I reject my carnivore instincts" person. If you pick and peck at tofu then you are obviously a poor substitute for a human being.

Humans were created in the wild. We bred in the trees, swinging from branch to branch as we feasted on the rib-cages of the prey that the lion killed for us and we conveniently stole. Blood is in our bodies and in our minds. We need blood sacrifice in order to keep our minds and our spirits alive.

More importantly, today's Corporate Warrior relies on blood instincts to stay wary and intense in today's corporate jungle. It's a cruel business planet, and the wise worker knows that it's either prey or be prey.

Note that some of the meat you eat should be raw, or at least red, and that you need to leave some drippings running down your chin when coming back to your cube. Leave it there until the boss sees it; they will duly note it. (If you didn’t have any raw meat for lunch, try lipstick or red crayon instead. Avoid the red Sharpie; I couldn't get it off my skin for weeks).

Work work out

It's good to be seen as a 'go-getter!' at work, by your co-workers as well as your boss. Make a point of joining a gym near work and going there on a regular basis. The act of working out is irrelevant; what you're really after is the reputation.

A typical workout at a gym would end with a shower and you'd dress back up in your business attire, arriving back at the office looking much the same as you did when you left. That's simply not good enough. You need people to know that you exercised.

To do this, you need to 'run' to the gym and back, and then shower off in the company showers instead of the gym's showers. This enables you to be seen leaving the company in workout attire. This is important: make sure that you time your departure with that of your co-workers going off to have a coffee and, if possible, with your boss doing anything. If you can have both parties see you running off to the gym simultaneously, your day is made.

Then after the workout (which could be as simple as sitting at the coffee shop for an hour, followed by spraying yourself liberally from your water bottle until you are soaking wet), make a point of going back to your cube and 'checking in!' on your computer. This will show your absolute dedication to work, even when it's in the middle of what is clearly personal time and smell.

Your drive to exercise will convince management that you are someone that has the energy, focus, and gym shorts to do what it takes for the corporation.

Always carry a coffee

Management knows that coffee motivates their workers more than any christmas bonus or whipping ever does. Let them know that you're extra-motivated by always having a coffee cup in your hands.

It's not good enough to do this with some "my kids made this" mug from home that's just holding the burned, acrid swill from the break room. You need to show that you go to extra lengths to stay extra caffeinated by drinking the expensive swill with a fancy Italianesque name from the coffee shop down the street.

Never let the cup leave your hand. Carry it into the building with you, while walking around the office, when you're in the bathroom (but watch your aim), and as you're gesturing importantly at meetings - always hold the cup. I've found it helpful to actually glue it onto my palm so that I don't forget myself and set it down somewhere. One paper cup will usually last out the day. It hurts like the dickens removing it that night, but it's worth it.

Moreover

There are many more tips for starting out than I have time to go into now; I've got to go shine some shoes. But the strategies above are clearly the most important for today's Corporate Warrior starting on a new job; just because you're new to the battle doesn't mean you can't fight.
Remember: your experience starting out at a company is critical. In fact, the latest research clearly shows that if you don't actually start at a company, you won't work there for long.

When I am King: Finders, Keepers

When I am King...

Parents will have better ways to report the stats of their newborn infants:

Typically, an effusive and sleep-deprived new parent will report the news of their new child with some simple statistics. If you're lucky, you'll also get a picture of the new child. And if you're unlucky, you may get some pictures of the birth process. In any event, you'll get some terse information about the vital statistics of the kid, like this:

She's 21 inches long and 11 pounds, 2 ounces

I always think, “Did you get her into the boat, or did she get away?”

Why do we measure children like fish? Is there no better reporting mechanism than length and weight? It's perhaps marginally better than, “She would have Bob's hair if she had any, and she seemed to have my capricious smile before she puked on the nurse.” But there's got to be something better than the raw physical dimensions like you're sizing up a shipping container. In particular, reporting the length, instead of the height, works better for a fish, gasping for breath on the deck of a boat, than for a child. I never tell people I'm 6'1” long. There's something that's just plain wrong about phrasing it that way.

When I am King, there will be a better way. For instance, we could take the same numbers as we already use, but report them differently. For example, we could take the measurements of “21 inches long and 11 pounds 2 ounces” and report it as “21 x 11.2”. Or if we think that's too much like an accountant, we could just multiply the numbers together to just get a single number, as in “She's a 223!” Having a single number would simplify everything and allow easy comparison with other parents' hauls.

Or maybe we should just go bananas with the fish motif and require that all newborns have pictures taken to accompany the stats, held by their parents' fingers in their cheeks, dangling like a prize catch about to be stuffed and mounted.

Har-Har-Harvest

The farmer thought someone was peeing in his vegetable patch, but we were just taking a leek. He thought he had us collard, but had to lettuce leaf. So we beet it.