Eye Site

Some friends were accused of stealing eyeglasses.
But I'm sure they were framed.

It was blind robbery - quite a spectacle.

When I am King: Shakin' It

When I am King...

Coffee shops will offer an even wider variety of milkshake drinks.

I'm a coffee lover. Heck, I'm nearly an addict. Of course, I could stop anytime I want to ... as long as I was allowed to restart in a couple of hours.

And I like good coffee, the stuff that's best brewed at good coffee shops, where they use water that comes directly from mountain glaciers, super-heat it until it can melt steel, and pour it through two pounds of grounds per cup of coffee. The coffee beans are picked fresh daily, roasted hourly, and then hand-ground in batches of one by highly-skilled professionals. The final result is poured into the finest cups available, molded by the Master Roaster himself, to ensure that each cup matches his perfect specifications.

So of course I hit the coffee shop often, to ensure that I maintain correct dosage on my drug of choice.

I have to admit, I'm a bit confused at what people order at the coffee shop. Me, I like coffee. It's a pure dose of the drug, topped only, perhaps, by an injection of caffeine directly into my temple.

But it seems like most people in coffee shops order drinks that are, essentially, milkshakes. Mocha. Latté. Frappé. Chai Latté. Carmel on top, chocolate mixed in, whipped cream topping, blended frozen creamy carmel chocolate surprises.

There might, in some of these drinks, actually be some coffee-related substance, but not so that you could actually taste it past all of the rest of the creamy chocolate fluff.

So what's the point?

The point is that people love milkshakes. They are, essentially, a perfect food that combines the fat and sugar that our bodies crave with, well, more fat and sugar. And it's in liquid form, which means that we can inhale it with no time-consuming and calorie-burning chewing activity.

But “milkshake” just sounds too much like a kid's drink. And way too unhealthy, too boot. You're allowed to treat yourself to one very occasionally, like when you have a hamburger. A milkshake with a burger is like menu-ordered euthenasia; you don't want to put yourself in a coma from a heart-stopping burger, you might as well just pull the plug at the same time by downing a shake with it.

So clever marketing folks came up with the idea of selling milkshakes disguised as adult beverages. Chai Latté: what kid ever asks for Chai? Surely, such a taste sensation is reserved for an adult palate of distinction. Mochaccino: clearly, given the Italian “ccino” ending which means “trace amounts of coffee that costs more than my house,” this drink has espresso in it. So the drink is thus inappropriate for children and is obviously intended for adults.

All of the drinks are so laden with accents and foreign spelling that they are all clearly intended only for an adult audience ... which means that we adults feel less stupid ordering them than we would the Cherry Chocolate Malt Surprise at the ice cream shop.

But I feel that this doesn't go far enough. What kind of adult beverage market is it if it doesn't cover booze? Alcohol is clearly the exclusive domain of adults, since children do not need its effects to give them the mental state of a child. Besides, we need to regulate our systems; too much caffeine and I start buzzing like one of the players in those old eletronic football games. What better way than to offer drinks that both stimulate and depress our systems simultaneously?

I propose extending the current adult milkshake market to cover alcoholic drinks as well. I look forward to the day when I can stand in line at the coffee shop behind the construction guy ordering a Triple Two-percent Mocha Frappé with Whip and order myself a Beeraccino, or a Martinno, or Viente Scotch with Whip.

Placating Platitudes aPlenty

In Placating Parental Platitudes, I discussed important phrases to use when raising children. But parenting isn't the only time that we need such reassurances. Here are some helpful phrases to be used with our partners and parents.

1. Don't worry: The blemish isn't visible


2. Don't worry: Your hair looks fine


3. Don't worry: Your wrinkles aren't noticeable


4. Don't worry: You can't see the gray


5. Don't worry: We're putting you in the home just temporarily

Placating Parental Platitudes

A friend is having a baby soon. Like all well-meaning and obliviously arrogant parents, I imparted all of my worldly knowledge to him on the subject of child-rearing:

Don't worry: it'll wash out (probably)

But while I think that this single phrase is the core tenet of raising kids that all parents need to know, we can extend this information to cover other situations. Here, then, are some helpful parenting phrases. Repeat these aloud several times per hour, as appropriate.

1. Don't worry: It'll wash out
2. Don't worry: It wasn't poisonous
3. Don't worry: It won't bite
4. Don't worry: The other kids will like you
5. Don't worry: It'll grow back
6. Don't worry: It's operable
7. Don't worry: It's surgically removable

Geek Jokes 0001

What do you bury a dead programmer in?
Shroud of Turing


What do you call it when the server for Google Maps crashes?
terrain wreck


What do you call a computer in the Antarctic?
data floe


What do you call it when you're tired of typing?
keybored


What do you call a person addicted to programming?
codedependent


Where do you go to sell all of your worldly posessions on the web?
pawnline

It's a dog's life

As my dog struggled against his arthritic legs to stand up, I looked at him with sadness. I wondered when we might have to put him down to end his suffering.

Then I walked up the stairs, my knees grinding loudly with each step. I saw my wife looking at me with sadness.

Happy Thoughts: June 7, 2007

If someone eats too much, isn't that a lot of waist?


If students in cosmetology miss the final exam, do they get a makeup test?


Smoking is for ash holes.

When I am King: Media Frenzy

When I am King...

Television and movies will suck. For their own good.

The super-secret code for Hi-Def DVDs has now been cracked, and it is now possible for people to make illicit copies of these DVDs. This has thrown the media industry into a tizzy once again, trying to sue websites, people, and God to stop the spread of this unstoppable secret.

But there is a simpler and more effective means of protection available to the industry: make DVDs so awful that nobody would bother. This approach would be far more effective than any secret code, and certainly less expensive and tedious than hiring legions of lawyers to litigate the cosmos.

Fortunately, the industry is a fair way down this path already. In particular, most DVDs composed of television content is unwatchable drivel and thus completely safe from piracy.

In particular, the move toward Reality TV is a brilliant one, where the networks attempt to hook people on watching other people's lives. One day, people will realize that they have a choice of simply living their own lives instead, and will thus have no need for illegal copies of DVDs of these other lives.

In my kingdom, there will be no movies or TV worth watching at all, simply to protect the industry from inevitable piracy of quality content. People will use televisions simply as space heaters and light sources. DVD players will become lamp stands with built-in cup holders. With the time that this bold move will free up for everyone, I envision a limitless and infinitely capable society, with people being able to do far more in life, like surfing the web and playing computer games.

Little Jokes

What do you call successful but fraudulent advertising?
Good advice

What do you call profit from a website?
Net gain

What do you call the identifier for a disgusting website?
HURL

What do you call worn out, old clothing?
Garbaged

When I am King: Sick Daze

When I am King...

Children will no longer take sick days off from school.

When I was a kid and stayed home from school sick, I lay in bed bored out of my mind all day. The highlight was when the morning talk shows ended and Dennis the Menace came on. At first, I even enjoyed the show. But just one episode was enough for me to develop a deep loathing for Dennis, and I would find myself aligned with the grumpy neighbor, quietly plotting the brat's demise. After Dennis, it was all soap operas for the rest of the day. This death-by-dullness approach was a cure-all, and kids not actually dead would magically find themselves well enough to go to school the next day.

Now, kids have a myriad of entertainments available to them, from DVDs to video games to web surfing to building meth labs. Kids will stick golf clubs down their throats to puke, on the hope that they'll get to stay home from school and have some fun instead. We've cottoned to this trick in my house and now have a policy that any child in possession of a majority of their appendages is well enough to go to school.

This health care and education crisis cannot continue. How can children get educated if they're not at school getting beaten up on the playground or getting picked last for kickball? How can parents expect children to get well when they don't get serious rest time imposed by murderously boring TV? Most importantly, how can parents expect to get anything done around the house with sick children lying in repose on every horizontal surface?

I propose a new system that will motivate children to get healthy, stay healthy, and stay in school.

First of all, sick children will be strapped to their beds, unable to roam around the house looking for activities. This will remove the free-for-all that sick days have become.

Secondly, special TVs will be provided for these sick rooms which show only Dennis the Menace reruns. Having nothing to do is a good start for a sick kid, but getting actively bored is even better. This show has a proven track record for boring kids back to health.

Finally, schools will be provided with all of the entertainments now reserved for sick days at home: videos, games, ... the works. Hey, if school weren't so boring to begin with, kids wouldn't be looking for excuses to skip it. Let's make school more fun. Let's make it a place that kids want to attend.

I look forward to the day when the nightly dinner table question, “What was your favorite part of your school day?” is answered by, “I got a new high score in 'Alien Invasion!'” Or a morning conversation goes like this: “Aw, c'mon! I only coughed up a little blood. Pleeeeeeeease let me go to school!”