Keith Sturbender is leaving his job as caretaker of his family to spend more time as an accountant at a small local company.
“Mr. Sturbender has office situations that need his attention,” a co-worker said. “There are many important meetings that he could be attending, and bureaucratic office politics that would benefit from his pedantic point of view. He is putting the needs of the corporation and of his colleagues first.”
“My family has been very supportive of this change,” said Mr. Sturbender in a prepared statement. “If it weren’t for the love and strength that they have offered to me in this stressful time, I don’t think I could have found it in me to leave them behind.”
Mr. Sturbender started his tenure with his family two and a half years ago, when his wife gave birth to their first child. “My place,” he said at that time, “is at home with the children. They need a nurturing environment in which to grow and learn.” The family has since had twins; all three children are still in diapers.
In his prepared statement, Mr. Sturbender said, “I just can’t take it any more. The incessant need for attention and the godawful crying All the Damn Time. And the idiotic sing-alongs? Don’t get me started! I look forward to getting back to what I do best: sitting at my desk organizing calendar appointments and revising meeting minutes.”
“When Mr. Sturbender told us that he wanted to move on, we respected his decision. Family life isn’t for everyone, and the family understands how important his agenda meetings and internal Fiscal Statement memos are to him. Sometimes, you just have to understand life’s priorities and put the company first.”
The family is currently searching for a new husband for the position recently vacated, according the family’s divorce lawyer.