3/09/2014

When I am King: Mug Shot



When I am King...

Muggings will be more frequent and more appreciated.

I’ve never been mugged, but mugging seems like a really good deal.

Think about it: someone is offering you a service (not beating you up) in exchange for whatever money you have on you. Unless you’re carrying a huge stash from a recent bank heist, that’s a pretty good deal. The recovery time alone, on top of possible doctor’s visits and downtime, is well worth the few bucks in your wallet. And if you add the actual pain involved in the procedure, it’s worth that much more.

My favorite part about mugging is that it’s a fair system based on the enlightened principle of pay-what-you-can. Instead of the rather heartless capitalist mechanism of charging whatever the market will bear and expecting everyone to pay that price, the average victim is, instead, charged only what he or she has on them at the time, which is imminently more sensible and kind. If I were charged the real price for not getting the crap kicked out of me, it could cost thousands of dollars. As it is, I can walk around the dark places in the city confidently, knowing that I will only owe the twenty bucks that I happen to have in my wallet.

Compare this deal to the price of dinner or a movie, and I think you’ll see that it’s an urban experience that's well worth the price.

Of course, the mugger could always choose to hurt you even after you’ve given them your money. But that’s just not fair and I wouldn’t stand for it (I would choose, instead, to lie in the gutter moaning and bleeding softly).

In future installments, I’ll analyze the financial benefits of being sued, getting divorced, and being jailed for life.
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