Most of the material got old as I got older, but I always found the poetry clever, and it was this I thought of when I really should have been sleeping.
So I thought I'd try my hand at it. No, I mean the poetry, not the scantily-clad women bits.
My Dear Old Ma
My mother used to teach me things
When I was two or three.
Here are lessons that I learned
As I dandled on her knee.
“My son,” said she, “You should not take
Candy from a stranger.
You should, instead, take cash and keys, for
These are worth the danger.
Neither a borrower nor lender be,”
(she quoted from The Bard)
“For they both have enormous risks.
Stealing’s better by a yard.
Never take more than you can use,
For greedy folk we're not.
But bring me all the rest of it,
'Cause I can use a lot.
Never take advantage of a man,
When he is in a bind.
Until he is not looking;
Then steal the sucker blind.
Time waits for no man,
And neither does a clock.
So steal a man's nice wristwatch,
And put it up for hock.
Don't abuse the sick and old,
For they have troubles enough.
Unless they have a lot of dough,
Then you should take their stuff.
I still recall her last farewell,
As she sipped her final scotch.
She took my hand into her own…
And then she took my watch.
It’s been long years since I lost my Ma
And my Dad did lose his wife.
She’s in the local prison now
Serving ten to life.
Once I'd written it, it seemed like it needed to be performed, along with some musical accompaniment. Here's that result as well.