9/12/2007

When I am King: Queasy Does It

When I am King...

Everyone will experience the wonderful feeling of regular puking.

Throwing up has to be one of the worst experiences that we have in our lives. Unless you count waiting in line at the DMV or dinner on a crowded night at Chucky Cheese.

But the moments just after the heaves stop are, conversely, some of the best times in life. It's a feeling of total euphoria that we wish could go on forever, but sadly lasts only until the next wave hits.

How good would our lives be if we could have that feeling any time we wanted?

When I am King, I will get my scientists working on a drug that simulates this feeling. An early version is available already, under the name “Ipecac,” but it has the minor downside that you actually have to puke first. Our new drug, currently being test-marketed with the name “Toss Up,” will skip that initial step and proceed straight to the euphoria. The only thing missing will be the cool, refreshing feel of the toilet bowl on your forehead. Feel free to supply that part yourself.

This must be the feeling that people imagine when they picture the After Life. Right outside the Pearly Gates is a big toilet. You perform your final heave and then pass into the promised land, retaining that magical feeling for the rest of time. No wonder it's called 'Heaven'.
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