Birds of a feather flock together.
Reptiles travel alone.
Cockroaches fester in hordes of millions.
I prefer life on my own.

Mammals tend to protect one another.
Cats are just happy to be.
Dogs roll around in fur-flying packs.
I spend my life with just me.

You’d think solitude might become a bit much,
That’d I’d be all lonely and sad.
But it turns out that talking all day to myself
Is the best conversation I’ve had.

I laugh at my jokes (unlike other folks)
And find myself charming and droll.
Sometimes I find that I’m on the floor giggling
When I’m really on a roll.
I find my debates with me riveting stuff;
Conversations go on and on,
Making points, counterpoints, and prime examples
All through the night and dawn.

No, sharing my house with my own company,
Is not a big problem at all.
And it really works out since nobody ever
Bothers returning my call.


When I am King: Tattle Tale

When I am King...

Tattoos will be more realistic.

I spent the day at a waterpark, which wasn’t so much about body surfing as it was about body art. There were tattoos everywhere. I haven’t seen so much ink since my daughter figured out that felt-tip pens work really well on walls and furniture.

You can say that I’m not a hipster (No, really: say that I’m not a hipster. Please.). But I spent far too much of my Navy-brat childhood looking at sailor tattoos that probably used to look good years ago (at least before the sailor passed out in the tattoo parlor and woke up the next morning).

That delicate and beautiful dragon you've just covered your torso in will one day look like a butterfly drawn by a drunk toddler. In bile.

These things just don’t age well. You can tell me about the artistry (No, really: Don’t tell me about the artistry. Please). You can say that the technology is better now. You can say it’s a living art piece, whose changes you’ll always appreciate. But when your skin sags, or the surgery sews things shut in just the wrong way, or when those beautiful dark greens fade to the color of 1950s dinnerware, you might start wearing shirts again. And pants. And maybe body casts. Because that shit isn’t ever going to look better.

When I am King, tattoos will be drawn realistically. First, the artist will take a green Sharpie pen (the large-tipped one, the one that puts a stain on your dining room table that you’ll never stop noticing. That one). Then the tip will be mashed so that the felt is shattered and splayed out in several directions. Then the original, detailed design will be drawn with that pen onto your skin while the artist is blindfolded. And high. And suspended upside-down. You will then wear that design for a week and, if you still want it, you will be allowed to get that tattoo permanently (inked into the exact shape created by the mashed Sharpie, of course).

If you want something to remember, take a picture. If you want something to regret, get a tattoo.


When I am King: Now Available for Android

When I am King...

I'll make my books available on the Google Play Store.

After a long delay and many weekends wasted fighting with my word processing program (A pox on you, Word!), I've managed to make my latest comedy book, When I am King... II: More Reasons to Put Me in Charge, available for purchase on the Google Play Store.

Better yet, I'm offering it at a steep discount relative to both the hardcopy ($6.95) and Kindle ($3.49) versions. For a limited time only (maybe), the book is available on the Play Store for just $1.99 (or whatever that translates to in your country or on your planet. I think it's worth 3 pigs in some South Pacific island nations).

This means that you can purchase the book for reading on any Android device, or in Chrome, or wherever Google books can be consumed.

For now, only the PDF version is available (that's what "Scanned pages" means on the Google Play page for the book). I'd like to say that this is because I worked so hard on the format of the original book that changing it would be an insult to the original typesetting, and that the book is best enjoyed in its original, intended format. I'll admit, instead, that Microsoft Word is so horrible at saving out HTML (who knew?) that the conversion to ePub has thus far defeated me.

On the plus side, the book actually does look quite good in PDF on large enough devices. That is, if your screen is large enough that you can read it without having to zoom in, it's a good reading experience. This means that it's great on tablets (7", like the Nexus 7, as well as larger models like the 10" Nexus 10), not so great on phones.

I will keep attacking Word and trying to get an ePub version out there. If I succeed, anyone that bought the original PDF version will also get the new ePub version. Wish me luck.

I'll also work on converting the original, classic book When I am King.... All I have to do is track down the original file. And fight with Word some more. I'm thinking of writing my next book with charcoal on parchment paper; I think that will be easier to convert to electronic versions than any book written in Word.